Recently, I've been wondering what I want people to view me as when I'm gone. That thought has always been in my mind, but it has taken more of a precedence within the last 6 months. After long, restless nights of tossing, turning and mind racing, I was able to come up with the simple statement:
"I want to be a strong, independent woman."
That phrase, to me, is controversial in the sense that by making this claim people will view you in a few different ways. One half may think you are "too independent for a man" and the other half may think, "you're a lesbian." Two of things that I honestly have no problem with, but not exactly who I am. So in this, I want to explain what a strong, independent woman means to me.
I am a woman. I have experienced love and heartbreak more times than I want to admit. I have gone through financial difficulty, and financial security. I pay for my own rent, gas, groceries, bills and social life, with a job that pays under $10 an hour. Granted, it's been difficult, and I have had blessings from friends that have made my life more comfortable. However, I believe being independent runs deeper than finances.
In my last relationship, I was extremely dependent. If I needed to do something or have something done, he was the first one I called. He paid for food, gas on road trips, and multiple other things. I also depended on him emotionally.
After our relationship ended, dependency fell onto my own shoulders. If something needed to be done, I learned how to fix it. If something emotional happened in my life, of course my friends offered a listening ear, but I worked on it myself. My heart belonged to me. It was mine. My life was my own. There is something so freeing about having your own room and your own happiness.
Does that mean I don't want a man? Absolutely not. I love relationships. But there is something that being single teaches women. It teaches us that we are strong. That we have what it takes to get through rough times and to come out of it smiling. To be strong is someone who is good, and treats others the way they want to be treated. To love enemies even when they don't love or respect them back. To hold their own opinions, but open enough to know that they may not have all the answers. To open a listening ear and give advice to loved ones, no matter how hard the advice is to give. To love with your whole heart, but to never give it to anyone who doesn't fight for it. To be independent is to hold your own. It does not be to be hard hearted or cold. Or to never take advice, or help from others. It doesn't mean you are too proud to accept blessings. It means you give up things that matter for the greater good of those around you. To those you love.
I want to be a strong, independent woman. And that is what I am working towards.
Friday, December 20, 2013
Monday, September 23, 2013
a dream is a wish your heart makes.
the other night i had a dream.
it was extremely short, and woke me up immediately. i have a limited amount of details, but this is a dream i can not shake from my mind.
i was standing in a completely wide open field. while i was standing there, i looked around and recognized i went back in time. i noticed i was standing in the exact same place i stood not even a few months ago. back far enough in time to where i was able to fix a mistake i made in the past. i got the feeling that i was given a legitimate second chance. like, as if God picked me up from my current life, and transported me back to a specific moment in time.
it wasn't like i was standing there and got the courage to go forward with life and live. no. in my dream, i was familiar with field i was standing in, and was able to make the right choice instead of the wrong one. not, a similar situation where i learned from my past mistake. it was the actual mistake i was able to fix.
so i did. instead of turning to the right like i had done months before in that same spot, i took a left.
i recognized in my dream i had a second chance at a terrible decision. and i was humbled that the Lord took me back in time to fix my mistake.
still looking into what this means. what i got so far is that i am meant to build a time machine......
however, thats only my first interpretation. :)
it was extremely short, and woke me up immediately. i have a limited amount of details, but this is a dream i can not shake from my mind.
i was standing in a completely wide open field. while i was standing there, i looked around and recognized i went back in time. i noticed i was standing in the exact same place i stood not even a few months ago. back far enough in time to where i was able to fix a mistake i made in the past. i got the feeling that i was given a legitimate second chance. like, as if God picked me up from my current life, and transported me back to a specific moment in time.
it wasn't like i was standing there and got the courage to go forward with life and live. no. in my dream, i was familiar with field i was standing in, and was able to make the right choice instead of the wrong one. not, a similar situation where i learned from my past mistake. it was the actual mistake i was able to fix.
so i did. instead of turning to the right like i had done months before in that same spot, i took a left.
i recognized in my dream i had a second chance at a terrible decision. and i was humbled that the Lord took me back in time to fix my mistake.
still looking into what this means. what i got so far is that i am meant to build a time machine......
however, thats only my first interpretation. :)
Friday, September 20, 2013
secret to being happy.
today, i learned the secret to becoming happy.
first...let me just preface this, this is a theory. and if it doesn't work for you, i am sorry. it worked for me, so i want to challenge everyone to try this, and see if it happens for them. if you want to take this on, and let me know how it worked for you, that would be exciting and make me even happier (i'll explain in a little bit about how it will make me happier!)
okay. so, you know those days when you wake up late? like, 12 o clock afternoon kind of late? only to realize you have so much to accomplish in the day, and not enough time to fully complete it? or! you wake up and you don't have anything to do that day, so you lay around the house, watch t.v. attempt to be productive, only to find yourself playing candy crush on your phone and watching 10 episodes of new girl on the couch?
i know after i have experienced both of those situations in the last few days, i can attest that one day feels much better than the other. and i tried something on purpose to see if it made a difference.
it did.
yesterday: i worked for a few hours, and got off around noon. i came home and became lazy. and ended up watching 8 episodes of new girl on netflix and playing candy crush for almost 5 hours straight. by the end of the day (when i was going to bed) i realized i accomplished nothing. i barely spoke to anyone that day, and actually felt quite depressed when laying in bed.
today: i woke up around 12:30 and realized i needed to do almost 10 hours of homework and complete by sunday. this seems like appropriate time right? wrong. i am going to raleigh tomorrow to see a concert, and wont be back until sunday afternoon/night. its due by sunday at midnight. so, i go to PCJ downtown and get about half the work done, only to have my computer plug fall out and i lost all my homework. i felt a bit depressed and angry. almost the same feeling i had last night as i was crawling into bed.
the difference is: today, i decided that instead of being angry about my bad situation, i decided to go through my news feed on facebook (study break), and compliment everyone i saw that had something exciting happen in their life. i also decided to tell friends that i loved them and how much i appreciated them. and just, give some sort of encouragement for random people on facebook.
after i did this, i found myself laughing and excited for others when they had good news happen in their life, even after something bad happened in mine, and i feel disconnected from the world because on days like today, i feel like i have no friends.
basically what i am stating in my theory is that, when you feel depressed, or disconnected from the world, it's not because the world hates you, or is trying to push you away. it's because sometimes in order to feel loved, or feel happy, you need to put a little effort into the love or happiness.
this goes with the idea that, the amount of love you receive from the world, is equal to the amount of love that you put in. more love=more happiness.
it almost goes hand in hand with Christ. i mean, God is ALWAYS wanting to give us love! but sometimes, in order for us to receive it, we need to come to him.
now don't get me wrong. God's love is not like a vending machine. He is always always always giving love, but in order for US to RECEIVE it (or want to receive it, and feel it) sometimes, we need to work on our relationship with Him, and come to Him, to FEEL it. does that make sense?
however, my whole life i expected love to just come to me, and for me to be happy from that.
NO! wrong! ugh!
however, i am so happy to new discover this. and i want to be happier, when i hear that YOU experienced more happiness from doing this!!
go try it! when you feel weird, or like you don't have friends, or like you aren't happy about a current situation, reach out to others! go LOOKING for people to talk about happiness in their life, and get excited about their successes! OR! just compliment someone. throwing out compliments and encouragement makes you feel like, a thousand times better.
if it doesn't work, come to me and we will get you a counselor and figure out what the deeper issue is going on with you. :)
SERIOUSLY! GO TRY IT! :) :)
first...let me just preface this, this is a theory. and if it doesn't work for you, i am sorry. it worked for me, so i want to challenge everyone to try this, and see if it happens for them. if you want to take this on, and let me know how it worked for you, that would be exciting and make me even happier (i'll explain in a little bit about how it will make me happier!)
okay. so, you know those days when you wake up late? like, 12 o clock afternoon kind of late? only to realize you have so much to accomplish in the day, and not enough time to fully complete it? or! you wake up and you don't have anything to do that day, so you lay around the house, watch t.v. attempt to be productive, only to find yourself playing candy crush on your phone and watching 10 episodes of new girl on the couch?
i know after i have experienced both of those situations in the last few days, i can attest that one day feels much better than the other. and i tried something on purpose to see if it made a difference.
it did.
yesterday: i worked for a few hours, and got off around noon. i came home and became lazy. and ended up watching 8 episodes of new girl on netflix and playing candy crush for almost 5 hours straight. by the end of the day (when i was going to bed) i realized i accomplished nothing. i barely spoke to anyone that day, and actually felt quite depressed when laying in bed.
today: i woke up around 12:30 and realized i needed to do almost 10 hours of homework and complete by sunday. this seems like appropriate time right? wrong. i am going to raleigh tomorrow to see a concert, and wont be back until sunday afternoon/night. its due by sunday at midnight. so, i go to PCJ downtown and get about half the work done, only to have my computer plug fall out and i lost all my homework. i felt a bit depressed and angry. almost the same feeling i had last night as i was crawling into bed.
the difference is: today, i decided that instead of being angry about my bad situation, i decided to go through my news feed on facebook (study break), and compliment everyone i saw that had something exciting happen in their life. i also decided to tell friends that i loved them and how much i appreciated them. and just, give some sort of encouragement for random people on facebook.
after i did this, i found myself laughing and excited for others when they had good news happen in their life, even after something bad happened in mine, and i feel disconnected from the world because on days like today, i feel like i have no friends.
basically what i am stating in my theory is that, when you feel depressed, or disconnected from the world, it's not because the world hates you, or is trying to push you away. it's because sometimes in order to feel loved, or feel happy, you need to put a little effort into the love or happiness.
this goes with the idea that, the amount of love you receive from the world, is equal to the amount of love that you put in. more love=more happiness.
it almost goes hand in hand with Christ. i mean, God is ALWAYS wanting to give us love! but sometimes, in order for us to receive it, we need to come to him.
now don't get me wrong. God's love is not like a vending machine. He is always always always giving love, but in order for US to RECEIVE it (or want to receive it, and feel it) sometimes, we need to work on our relationship with Him, and come to Him, to FEEL it. does that make sense?
however, my whole life i expected love to just come to me, and for me to be happy from that.
NO! wrong! ugh!
however, i am so happy to new discover this. and i want to be happier, when i hear that YOU experienced more happiness from doing this!!
go try it! when you feel weird, or like you don't have friends, or like you aren't happy about a current situation, reach out to others! go LOOKING for people to talk about happiness in their life, and get excited about their successes! OR! just compliment someone. throwing out compliments and encouragement makes you feel like, a thousand times better.
if it doesn't work, come to me and we will get you a counselor and figure out what the deeper issue is going on with you. :)
SERIOUSLY! GO TRY IT! :) :)
Sunday, September 15, 2013
overwhelmed.
today, my heart was completely overwhelmed with love. i don't even know how to start speaking about it...but you want truth?
for everything that leaves your life, something beautiful enters.
and before now, i always thought it was something "better" that comes in when you lose something, but sometimes the things that enter, if you were to compare the two, they are like apples and oranges.
this summer i have had some really beautiful apples, and i didn't even take note of them until now.
but that's the interesting thing about life. beautiful things are happening all around you, but you will never notice them until you look over the hill you're facing and decide for yourself to notice that the leaves are not green anymore. they are red, and yellow, and orange. and each leaf has a story about how it changed.
for everything that leaves your life, something beautiful enters.
and before now, i always thought it was something "better" that comes in when you lose something, but sometimes the things that enter, if you were to compare the two, they are like apples and oranges.
this summer i have had some really beautiful apples, and i didn't even take note of them until now.
but that's the interesting thing about life. beautiful things are happening all around you, but you will never notice them until you look over the hill you're facing and decide for yourself to notice that the leaves are not green anymore. they are red, and yellow, and orange. and each leaf has a story about how it changed.
Friday, September 13, 2013
lightbulb.
when i want to run away, and hide
from the shameful things i've found inside,
i just can't seem to get, a break from myself.
i've got nothing left to give
in the space of emptiness, my heart finds comfort in bitterness.
love was my only intention, and i even failed at that.
now i've come to know,
second chances reach further in the hearts, of those who know,
who know they don't deserve it.
my Love, my king, i now know what you mean,
when you said to forgive them,
they know not what they do.
so hear my plea,
and understand me,
as i repeat the words back to you.
love is bigger than, the giants that i face.
god grant me the heart to love others
in the midst of adversity, for they know not what they do.
use me through my pain,
so i can honor you.
love is bigger than, the giants that i face.
from the shameful things i've found inside,
i just can't seem to get, a break from myself.
i've got nothing left to give
in the space of emptiness, my heart finds comfort in bitterness.
love was my only intention, and i even failed at that.
now i've come to know,
second chances reach further in the hearts, of those who know,
who know they don't deserve it.
my Love, my king, i now know what you mean,
when you said to forgive them,
they know not what they do.
so hear my plea,
and understand me,
as i repeat the words back to you.
love is bigger than, the giants that i face.
god grant me the heart to love others
in the midst of adversity, for they know not what they do.
use me through my pain,
so i can honor you.
love is bigger than, the giants that i face.
Sunday, September 8, 2013
study break.
want me to be real transparent?
this summer, i have felt as if i've made decisions that in turn made my life irreparable. like, as if i made so many bad decisions that i couldn't turn around, even if i wanted to. to finally stop being a train wreck. to finally move forward with things, and not just be simply...living in what seems like a pile of slop.
tonight, a simple song made my heart feel something i havent felt in a while.
"come away" -jesus culture.
Come away with me, Come away with me
It's never too late, it's not too late
It's not too late for you
I have a plan for you
I have a plan for you
It's gonna be wild
It's gonna be great
It's gonna be full of me
....yes.
so what? im a train wreck. so what? it's hard for me to move on. so what? i live in the past. this is me. transparent.
however, even with all that, jesus looks at me, sitting in my filth and says, "hey, i want you. this is what i have. follow me."
Tuesday, September 3, 2013
love?
this week has been a super interesting week. i've been asking a lot of questions, concentrating on a lot of ideas, and trying to correlate past events with present feelings.
this past year, i fell in love. and i fell in love hard. i have never loved someone so deeply and passionately as i did this past year. i remember when i first started hanging out with him, the moment i dropped him off at his house after hanging out with him for one of the first times, i went home and couldn't WAIT until he texted me. i remember looking at my phone, spending countless hours reliving the few days i had with him, and just being so excited to see his car drive up in my driveway. haha, i remember even towards the end of our relationship, getting ready in my bathroom and continually looking out my window while getting ready just to see him walking towards my door. :)
we spent almost every day together. if we didn't see each other one day, we were either texting or talking on the phone. we hardly went a day without speaking. i remember craving to be near him, even when he was at work, and hoping he would text me. and then seeing him call me and i would get butterflies just for his name popping up on my phone.
that feeling never died down the entire time we dated. not once.
i realized that, love is wanting to be closer to the person even when you are standing in the same room with them. wanting to talk to them, or be near them, even if they are annoying the hell out of you. it doesnt matter if they smell like B.O. or have hair all over their back. it just wanting to be near them no matter if you talk, or are just sitting there reading the paper. as long as you are together. love is wanting to spend every day with that person and wanting to know what they are doing. wanting them to want to know what you are doing. wanting to share life beside them. to share exciting things with them. to hold them, to care for them. even when they dont deserve it. you still do it because you can't help it.
i realized through this relationship that i am not in love with God.
now, i know thats a super scary sentence to read. it's weird to take it in. and to read it especially after reading all my blogs about how wonderful he is to me, and how appreciative i am of him in my life. but through another relationship/friendship i was involved with this summer, just because you appreciate and are grateful for someone in your life, that doesnt mean you are in love with them. you can love what they do, how they make you feel, and the things they do for you, but that does not mean you love them. you can love them, but not be in love with them.
i love God. and i appreciate, and am grateful for him in my life, but i am not in love with him.
you can not force yourself to be in love with him, just the way you can not force yourself to be in love with someone. the relationship may make sense on paper, but that does not mean its the right thing.
i think there comes a time in everyone's life where God shows them his love. he does countless things for us each day, and its so easy to just, thank him, and keep going about your day. i remember when my ex would do something small for me, and just in that moment, it made my entire day. i couldnt stop thinking about how he helped me with my taxes, or helped make me dinner as i did my homework. it made me love him even more.
with God, when he does something for me, i say, "oh thank you so much!!!!" and keep going forward. it doesnt make me fall more in love with him.
im not saying i have all the answers. shoot. im just saying im realizing that something i thought was true, actually has not hit my heart yet.
i am hopeful that one day, i will be able to want to spend time with God the way i wanted to spend time with my ex. i will crave to hear from him each morning as he tells me he loves me, and will look at him with goo goo eyes as he shows me all the flowers he opened up, just for me, that morning.
it will happen. but just like it happened with my ex, it wont happen by me forcing it.
i think God craves us to just live. day by day. and he will take care of the rest. if we allow him to do things in his timing, i believe he will give us the desire of our heart: to fall madly, deeply, uncontrollably, irrevocably, recklessly in love with him.
this past year, i fell in love. and i fell in love hard. i have never loved someone so deeply and passionately as i did this past year. i remember when i first started hanging out with him, the moment i dropped him off at his house after hanging out with him for one of the first times, i went home and couldn't WAIT until he texted me. i remember looking at my phone, spending countless hours reliving the few days i had with him, and just being so excited to see his car drive up in my driveway. haha, i remember even towards the end of our relationship, getting ready in my bathroom and continually looking out my window while getting ready just to see him walking towards my door. :)
we spent almost every day together. if we didn't see each other one day, we were either texting or talking on the phone. we hardly went a day without speaking. i remember craving to be near him, even when he was at work, and hoping he would text me. and then seeing him call me and i would get butterflies just for his name popping up on my phone.
that feeling never died down the entire time we dated. not once.
i realized that, love is wanting to be closer to the person even when you are standing in the same room with them. wanting to talk to them, or be near them, even if they are annoying the hell out of you. it doesnt matter if they smell like B.O. or have hair all over their back. it just wanting to be near them no matter if you talk, or are just sitting there reading the paper. as long as you are together. love is wanting to spend every day with that person and wanting to know what they are doing. wanting them to want to know what you are doing. wanting to share life beside them. to share exciting things with them. to hold them, to care for them. even when they dont deserve it. you still do it because you can't help it.
i realized through this relationship that i am not in love with God.
now, i know thats a super scary sentence to read. it's weird to take it in. and to read it especially after reading all my blogs about how wonderful he is to me, and how appreciative i am of him in my life. but through another relationship/friendship i was involved with this summer, just because you appreciate and are grateful for someone in your life, that doesnt mean you are in love with them. you can love what they do, how they make you feel, and the things they do for you, but that does not mean you love them. you can love them, but not be in love with them.
i love God. and i appreciate, and am grateful for him in my life, but i am not in love with him.
you can not force yourself to be in love with him, just the way you can not force yourself to be in love with someone. the relationship may make sense on paper, but that does not mean its the right thing.
i think there comes a time in everyone's life where God shows them his love. he does countless things for us each day, and its so easy to just, thank him, and keep going about your day. i remember when my ex would do something small for me, and just in that moment, it made my entire day. i couldnt stop thinking about how he helped me with my taxes, or helped make me dinner as i did my homework. it made me love him even more.
with God, when he does something for me, i say, "oh thank you so much!!!!" and keep going forward. it doesnt make me fall more in love with him.
im not saying i have all the answers. shoot. im just saying im realizing that something i thought was true, actually has not hit my heart yet.
i am hopeful that one day, i will be able to want to spend time with God the way i wanted to spend time with my ex. i will crave to hear from him each morning as he tells me he loves me, and will look at him with goo goo eyes as he shows me all the flowers he opened up, just for me, that morning.
it will happen. but just like it happened with my ex, it wont happen by me forcing it.
i think God craves us to just live. day by day. and he will take care of the rest. if we allow him to do things in his timing, i believe he will give us the desire of our heart: to fall madly, deeply, uncontrollably, irrevocably, recklessly in love with him.
Monday, June 3, 2013
healing.
today,
i sat on my bay window in the living room. i broke out my guitar, and started playing for the first time in a really long time. i mean, i've whipped it out every now and tried to play a few chords, but it never really works the way i want it to. so i end up stopping pretty quick.
today, i really played it. i started singing "Come Away With Me" by Jesus Culture.
i imagined the Lord sitting on my couch watching me, and smiling. the sweetest smile i could ever imagine. i heard the words, "this is what you were meant to do. to worship me. to sing to me. i love you, beautiful."
beautiful is His name for me.
my soul is healing. my heart is mending. my life is beginning to come together.
but,
this is only the beginning.
Sunday, May 19, 2013
damaged goods.
I haven't posted on this in a while. I've been very busy with other things. But I thought I would try to keep up before sumner begins.
Something very traumatic happened to me last week. I will never name names or call people out on my blog, but I was told recently by someone that means a lot to me that I was considered to be "damaged goods." It has been my biggest fear in life to hear those EXACT words, because that is how i have always viewed myself. And ive worked so hard on my own to try to not have people see how broken and damaged i really am. Who would want a damaged bride on their wedding night? This friend was speaking out of hurt so I forgive them, but still, anyone who hears those words, especially a woman, those tend to unfortunately stick with your mind for the rest of your life. You don't know the kind of turmoil my heart has been in just from hearing 2 small words. It has begun to wreck me.
Today I was driving home from Charlotte for my friends wedding, and the phrase, "damaged goods....damaged goods...." Kept repeating for the following 3 hour car ride. Fortunately I serve a God who is not only my king, but my daddy. My daddy who hurts when I hurt, and when arrows are thrown at me, arrows are thrown at Him. He stopped those words before they tattooed themselves on my heart and said, "the only person who would be able to call you that is me. But I have not and will not because you ARE NOT. I call things as though they are, and you are whole. You are perfect. You are beauty. And you are Mine."
Of course tears ran down my face as I tried to hear those words and believe them. It's so much easier to believe terrible things about yourself. Especially when you know you've done something wrong and made a huge mistake.
But.
His grace is sufficient above ALL things. Even my dumb mistakes. And my smart ones too. His blood is enough. His grace is enough. More than enough.
DON'T EVER let ANYONE tell you that you are damaged goods. I don't care WHAT you have done, you are beautiful and perfect and made whole through Jesus Christ. Go to Him for your truth. For HIS words about you. Because at the judgement seat, you will not be sitting in front of your friend or boyfriend, but in front of your Creator. His words about you are all that matter.
Thursday, February 21, 2013
whoops.
haven't written in a super long time. sorry.
i have been struggling with something. not really financially (which i kind of am), or with friends, or relationships or whatnot, but with something that i am not sure if i am going to be able to describe.
i don't know how to balance.
i need to learn the trick of balancing my christian walk with my regular day life. or let's go even further and saying, living out my christian walk, just by walking. does that make sense? i have noticed in the past year that when i get super into God, for example not being able to talk about anything else, or just reading books or reading the bible or almost seculding myself from the world just to spend more time with Him, I almost lose sight of Him and become depressed. it is an odd feeling. but when i am walking my life and barely read books or the bible, and just talk with Him once or twice a day and move on my merry way, i feel like im not being a "good christian" by not "spending time with Him" or challenging myself in a deeper level.
does anyone else go through this? or is going through this? what is wisdom that i can take from someone else concerning this?
i have been struggling with something. not really financially (which i kind of am), or with friends, or relationships or whatnot, but with something that i am not sure if i am going to be able to describe.
i don't know how to balance.
i need to learn the trick of balancing my christian walk with my regular day life. or let's go even further and saying, living out my christian walk, just by walking. does that make sense? i have noticed in the past year that when i get super into God, for example not being able to talk about anything else, or just reading books or reading the bible or almost seculding myself from the world just to spend more time with Him, I almost lose sight of Him and become depressed. it is an odd feeling. but when i am walking my life and barely read books or the bible, and just talk with Him once or twice a day and move on my merry way, i feel like im not being a "good christian" by not "spending time with Him" or challenging myself in a deeper level.
does anyone else go through this? or is going through this? what is wisdom that i can take from someone else concerning this?
Sunday, February 10, 2013
his voice.
i finally heard God's voice. just now. for the first time in (what feels like) such a long time.
He literally just spoke this to me.
(paraphrased.) "Annie, you are going to need to get to know me through a relationship. People are telling you to do this, to do that. Right now, I do not care about those things. I will handle them in time. But for right now, get to know me. Get to know who I am, and what I am all about. This will happen with a relationship with me. Not because you did something right or wrong. Or because you made a good or bad decision. Right now, I want you to know me."
:) okay. Lord, lover of my soul, i'll do it.
He literally just spoke this to me.
(paraphrased.) "Annie, you are going to need to get to know me through a relationship. People are telling you to do this, to do that. Right now, I do not care about those things. I will handle them in time. But for right now, get to know me. Get to know who I am, and what I am all about. This will happen with a relationship with me. Not because you did something right or wrong. Or because you made a good or bad decision. Right now, I want you to know me."
:) okay. Lord, lover of my soul, i'll do it.
Sunday, January 27, 2013
bipolar? nope. just a christian.
some days are much harder to believe truth than other days.
like, i KNOW the Lord has a husband for me. i KNOW it. but some days i have a feeling i am going to become Mother Teresa. (not saying i don't want to be, but that's not my path. haha)
i KNOW i am beautiful. but some days i look in the mirror and think, "dang. this is as good as it's gunna get."
i KNOW i have a friends, but some days when no one contacts me, i feel as if no one is around me.
the enemy is trying so hard to attack me right now. haha, sometimes i think that if i were not a christian that is dealing with constant spiritual warfare, i would think i was bipolar. haha
but i got this. :) no doubt. HE's got this. im confident.
"i know whom i have believed and am persuaded that He is able to keep that which i have entrusted to Him until that day."
like, i KNOW the Lord has a husband for me. i KNOW it. but some days i have a feeling i am going to become Mother Teresa. (not saying i don't want to be, but that's not my path. haha)
i KNOW i am beautiful. but some days i look in the mirror and think, "dang. this is as good as it's gunna get."
i KNOW i have a friends, but some days when no one contacts me, i feel as if no one is around me.
the enemy is trying so hard to attack me right now. haha, sometimes i think that if i were not a christian that is dealing with constant spiritual warfare, i would think i was bipolar. haha
but i got this. :) no doubt. HE's got this. im confident.
"i know whom i have believed and am persuaded that He is able to keep that which i have entrusted to Him until that day."
Friday, January 25, 2013
a couple things.
a couple things were on my heart tonight.
first, if you are in Christ, you are always overqualified for everything. if you don't get a job, it's because HE didn't want you to have it. because if He did, He said He always goes before us. He never tells you no, unless there is a resurrection on the other side.
second, the other day i asked God for a free meal at lunch time. (dumb right? but He said, ask WHATEVER in my name, and it shall be given to you.) so i decided to remind Him of His promise. :)
I went to lunch and, I didn't get a free meal so I was like, whatever. I know He heard me. Haha. So I went home and later at dinner I said, hmm. What should I eat? And I found my chick fil a calendar on the ground. And this year you have to register a card online or something. Well, I registered it and said I'll go get a free meal! Thanks God! Haha. Well, in line The Lord gave me a prophetic word for the person behind me. So I got up to the window after writing it on a piece of paper and told the lady at the window that I was paying for their meal behind me and if she would give them a sheet of paper I would greatly appreciate it! So I paid for their meal, and when I went to pay for mine, the lady said, I'm sorry but it is saying your chickfila card is not registered. And I said, I'm so sorry but I for a fact just registered it about 30 minutes ago. And she said, no worries. What we will do is comp your meal tonight and give you it for free but go check online to see if your card is registered. And if it is, you can come back to get another free sandwich.
Hahaha. God works in such funny ways. I adore Him. There is never a dull moment with Him if you take Him on adventures. He loves that so much!
first, if you are in Christ, you are always overqualified for everything. if you don't get a job, it's because HE didn't want you to have it. because if He did, He said He always goes before us. He never tells you no, unless there is a resurrection on the other side.
second, the other day i asked God for a free meal at lunch time. (dumb right? but He said, ask WHATEVER in my name, and it shall be given to you.) so i decided to remind Him of His promise. :)
I went to lunch and, I didn't get a free meal so I was like, whatever. I know He heard me. Haha. So I went home and later at dinner I said, hmm. What should I eat? And I found my chick fil a calendar on the ground. And this year you have to register a card online or something. Well, I registered it and said I'll go get a free meal! Thanks God! Haha. Well, in line The Lord gave me a prophetic word for the person behind me. So I got up to the window after writing it on a piece of paper and told the lady at the window that I was paying for their meal behind me and if she would give them a sheet of paper I would greatly appreciate it! So I paid for their meal, and when I went to pay for mine, the lady said, I'm sorry but it is saying your chickfila card is not registered. And I said, I'm so sorry but I for a fact just registered it about 30 minutes ago. And she said, no worries. What we will do is comp your meal tonight and give you it for free but go check online to see if your card is registered. And if it is, you can come back to get another free sandwich.
Hahaha. God works in such funny ways. I adore Him. There is never a dull moment with Him if you take Him on adventures. He loves that so much!
Thursday, January 24, 2013
bring Jesus to work day.
= everyday.
IT IS TRULY AMAZING ME what is happening in my life when I wake up early with the Lord.
this morning i woke up and danced before Him with worship music blasting in my room. i got dressed (had more than enough time to get ready) and walked on into work 5 minutes early :) i went to the back and said, "let's do this Jesus. let's rock this day, hard."
i then had one of the best days ever.
i saw so many friends come through and had great conversations with customers. a regular customer handed their cup to me so i could refill it (a customer i thought had no idea who i was) and he said, "wow. you seriously always look so happy when i come into the store. you always look so happy to see me." with which i replied, "OF COURSE! if it were not for you guys, i wouldn't have a job! so thank you!" hahah.
my boss then told me later on, "annie, i wish i had 30 of you." to which i replied, "don't you DARE wish that!" haha. oh my gosh. even I would not be able to stand 30 Annie McGees. haha. that would be way too much.
Jesus and i rocked it today.
so i came home and got my room ready for my sister to come visit me this weekend, got a shower!!!, got dinner made and still have time to read my book!
He honestly gives you all the time back for the time you gave to Him.
CHALLENGE OF THE WEEK: spend at least ONE morning with Jesus and write a message to me telling me how it was! but don't tell me after you worship with Him, tell me at the end of your day. see how your day gets exponentially better! :) i'm excited to hear all your stories!!
IT IS TRULY AMAZING ME what is happening in my life when I wake up early with the Lord.
this morning i woke up and danced before Him with worship music blasting in my room. i got dressed (had more than enough time to get ready) and walked on into work 5 minutes early :) i went to the back and said, "let's do this Jesus. let's rock this day, hard."
i then had one of the best days ever.
i saw so many friends come through and had great conversations with customers. a regular customer handed their cup to me so i could refill it (a customer i thought had no idea who i was) and he said, "wow. you seriously always look so happy when i come into the store. you always look so happy to see me." with which i replied, "OF COURSE! if it were not for you guys, i wouldn't have a job! so thank you!" hahah.
my boss then told me later on, "annie, i wish i had 30 of you." to which i replied, "don't you DARE wish that!" haha. oh my gosh. even I would not be able to stand 30 Annie McGees. haha. that would be way too much.
Jesus and i rocked it today.
so i came home and got my room ready for my sister to come visit me this weekend, got a shower!!!, got dinner made and still have time to read my book!
He honestly gives you all the time back for the time you gave to Him.
CHALLENGE OF THE WEEK: spend at least ONE morning with Jesus and write a message to me telling me how it was! but don't tell me after you worship with Him, tell me at the end of your day. see how your day gets exponentially better! :) i'm excited to hear all your stories!!
Wednesday, January 23, 2013
2 blogs in one day? i know i know....
hey readers,
so. need some prayer. i have been looking into this ministry school with Heidi Baker in Mozambique. it's during the summer from june 1-august 6.
it is also every summer, so next summer is a possibility.
i have a prayer request. could you pray with me and pray for the Lord's timing on this? i need to know if i should go this summer, or next summer.
:) thanks guys!!!
so. need some prayer. i have been looking into this ministry school with Heidi Baker in Mozambique. it's during the summer from june 1-august 6.
it is also every summer, so next summer is a possibility.
i have a prayer request. could you pray with me and pray for the Lord's timing on this? i need to know if i should go this summer, or next summer.
:) thanks guys!!!
mornings.
so. apparently if i don't spend time with Jesus in the morning, then my entire day is completely out of wack.
for the last few days, i have at least woken up an hour before i needed to start getting ready for work, and just turned on worship music while talking, singing, and laughing with Him. then i would pray in my car before work, and ask Him to allow me to have an awesome day.
well, on those days, i leave work feeling as if i am just the luckiest person in the world.
on days like today, i feel like complete crap.
i completely pushed snooze on my alarm this morning and slept until i had to be at work in 20 minutes. i got to work tired, cranky and ready to leave. i even had a coworker ask me if everything was okay because i did not seem like myself.
it made me think.
myself=Jesus with me. like, i am most myself when Jesus is hanging around beside me. and yeah, i know He said He would never leave us nor forsake us, but, if we fail to invite Him into our activities for the day He is sitting there with you rather than being actively involved in your day.
does that make sense? He is always there, but it's US who have to invite Him to be a part of our day.
now, i am not saying that if it is 3:30 it is impossible for Him to get into our day, but think about it. you just spent at least 6 hours "doing things on your own" and probably felt pretty rushed or tired. it's totally possible for Him to come into the rest of your day, but for the next day, don't wait around until 3 or 4 to ask Him to spend your day with you. ask Him at 6 am! ask Him before your situations become problems, or the flow of the day happens. because believe it or not folks, a lot can happen in 24 hours if we have Him. it's almost as if He gives us 48 hours in a day, just to accomplish the things we need to. :)
for the last few days, i have at least woken up an hour before i needed to start getting ready for work, and just turned on worship music while talking, singing, and laughing with Him. then i would pray in my car before work, and ask Him to allow me to have an awesome day.
well, on those days, i leave work feeling as if i am just the luckiest person in the world.
on days like today, i feel like complete crap.
i completely pushed snooze on my alarm this morning and slept until i had to be at work in 20 minutes. i got to work tired, cranky and ready to leave. i even had a coworker ask me if everything was okay because i did not seem like myself.
it made me think.
myself=Jesus with me. like, i am most myself when Jesus is hanging around beside me. and yeah, i know He said He would never leave us nor forsake us, but, if we fail to invite Him into our activities for the day He is sitting there with you rather than being actively involved in your day.
does that make sense? He is always there, but it's US who have to invite Him to be a part of our day.
now, i am not saying that if it is 3:30 it is impossible for Him to get into our day, but think about it. you just spent at least 6 hours "doing things on your own" and probably felt pretty rushed or tired. it's totally possible for Him to come into the rest of your day, but for the next day, don't wait around until 3 or 4 to ask Him to spend your day with you. ask Him at 6 am! ask Him before your situations become problems, or the flow of the day happens. because believe it or not folks, a lot can happen in 24 hours if we have Him. it's almost as if He gives us 48 hours in a day, just to accomplish the things we need to. :)
Saturday, January 19, 2013
discipline.
this season, the Lord is teaching me discipline. discipline through doing school work, being on time to things and with things (like work, turning things in on time, meetings, etc), and keeping up with this blog.
i also stopped adderall. i know, ridiculous decision. especially in this season where the Lord is working patiently (very patiently) with me on discipline. the Lord confirmed through many people that i needed to start a detox, for my body to get rid of the drug. so for the last few days i have been doing the master cleanse, which is water, lemon juice, cayenne pepper, and maple syrup.
while this cleanse has been super hard, it's been worth it. i am really tired a lot of the time, but it's just another test of discipline. it's mind over matter, and realizing that my dependence is not on food to sustain me. :) almost like when i did the daniel fast last year!
i highly recommend it to anyone wanting to do a cleanse!
i also stopped adderall. i know, ridiculous decision. especially in this season where the Lord is working patiently (very patiently) with me on discipline. the Lord confirmed through many people that i needed to start a detox, for my body to get rid of the drug. so for the last few days i have been doing the master cleanse, which is water, lemon juice, cayenne pepper, and maple syrup.
while this cleanse has been super hard, it's been worth it. i am really tired a lot of the time, but it's just another test of discipline. it's mind over matter, and realizing that my dependence is not on food to sustain me. :) almost like when i did the daniel fast last year!
i highly recommend it to anyone wanting to do a cleanse!
Friday, January 18, 2013
worship in the spirit.
i had a question today from someone who didn't know what i meant by saying i worshiped in the spirit the other morning. so i wanted to explain what i meant by that.
in John 4, Jesus talks with a Samaritan woman at the well. after a long back and forth of Jesus pretty much telling her that, "you're right, you don't have a husband. and the man you have now is not your husband." haha. so hinting to her that He was a prophet. (i love this story. SO MUCH compacted into these few paragraphs.)
around 4:23-24 Jesus says, "Yet, a time is coming and has now come when the true worshipers will worship the Father in the Spirit and in truth, for they are the kind of worshipers the Father seeks. God is spirit, and His worshipers must worship in the Spirit and in truth."
okay. hahah. let's unpack all of this. (please, if i am wrong about these things, someone point them out. i love discussions and i would love to hear your take on this scripture)
first: "...a time is coming and has now come..." here He was talking about Him coming to earth ("and has now come"). but the part before ("a time is coming...") He is mentioning at the Holy Spirit. when Jesus left, Holy Spirit came down, so that we could still connect with the father through the spirit. because Jesus explains that God IS spirit, so we must be able to connect with Him in that way.
Jesus also mentions when He ascends into Heaven that, we will do far greater things when He was away. because He knew Holy Spirit was going to be here to help. that is when the believers were able to perform the miracles that Jesus performed after He left.
Holy Spirit is a part of the trinity, and it's sad to me that a lot of church congregations leave Him out. He is the spirit that connects our spirit with the father, who IS spirit.
so, that is what I meant by worshiping in the spirit. i asked Holy Spirit to connect my spirit. in Romans 8:16 it says, "The Spirit itself bares witness with our spirit that we are the children of God." here, Paul mentions that we have a spirit. when sin entered into mankind, we became sinners. but, when Jesus came, he mended the bridge that connected us to the father.
remember when Jesus was baptized by John? and it said, "the spirit came down on Him."
we all desperately need our spirit to connect with the father. and by worshiping Him in the spirit, we are able to catch a glimpse of the father's heart.
in John 4, Jesus talks with a Samaritan woman at the well. after a long back and forth of Jesus pretty much telling her that, "you're right, you don't have a husband. and the man you have now is not your husband." haha. so hinting to her that He was a prophet. (i love this story. SO MUCH compacted into these few paragraphs.)
around 4:23-24 Jesus says, "Yet, a time is coming and has now come when the true worshipers will worship the Father in the Spirit and in truth, for they are the kind of worshipers the Father seeks. God is spirit, and His worshipers must worship in the Spirit and in truth."
okay. hahah. let's unpack all of this. (please, if i am wrong about these things, someone point them out. i love discussions and i would love to hear your take on this scripture)
first: "...a time is coming and has now come..." here He was talking about Him coming to earth ("and has now come"). but the part before ("a time is coming...") He is mentioning at the Holy Spirit. when Jesus left, Holy Spirit came down, so that we could still connect with the father through the spirit. because Jesus explains that God IS spirit, so we must be able to connect with Him in that way.
Jesus also mentions when He ascends into Heaven that, we will do far greater things when He was away. because He knew Holy Spirit was going to be here to help. that is when the believers were able to perform the miracles that Jesus performed after He left.
Holy Spirit is a part of the trinity, and it's sad to me that a lot of church congregations leave Him out. He is the spirit that connects our spirit with the father, who IS spirit.
so, that is what I meant by worshiping in the spirit. i asked Holy Spirit to connect my spirit. in Romans 8:16 it says, "The Spirit itself bares witness with our spirit that we are the children of God." here, Paul mentions that we have a spirit. when sin entered into mankind, we became sinners. but, when Jesus came, he mended the bridge that connected us to the father.
remember when Jesus was baptized by John? and it said, "the spirit came down on Him."
we all desperately need our spirit to connect with the father. and by worshiping Him in the spirit, we are able to catch a glimpse of the father's heart.
Thursday, January 17, 2013
confirmation.
yesterday i woke up to the coolest confirmation ever.
alright, background story. in 2011 (1 semester after i moved to wilmington from boone) i went to the Passion conference in january, for my second time. while there, i was in a small group with some of the coolest people i've ever met. we had such a bonding experience that i spoke to many of them for months/years later. we all kept up on facebook and had messages going back and forth.
one girl in the group told us she was switching her major. so i prayed for her. and the Lord gave me something to tell her. and i did. she ultimately ended up changing her major because my word was confirmation for her.
anyway, i have barely spoken to her since then, but she wrote to me the other day. she told me that she has been reading my blog and that the Lord spoke to her.
alright, another background story:
a few weeks ago, the second year interns started off our meeting by giving us prophetic words. in a nutshell...
first, someone said, "annie. i see missions for you. not a week or month kind of mission trip, but months and years. living among the people."
then, "annie i see kids. the ministry has something to do with kids.""
then, "i see you finding revelation with God through homeless ministries and people with a lower income. you are like a people magnet. showing God's light through who you are. people are attracted to your personality"
"annie, i also see that you have a spirit like Heidi Baker. and a special calling on your life like her."
pretty cool huh? interesting that they confirmed things in me that the Lord told me a few years ago (missions, kids, living overseas...etc.)
well, this girl from my community group facebook messaged me and told me basically that i had a special gift for healing. to keep pushing through because many people have had breakthroughs many years after starting their healing ministry. also, that she sees me similar to Heidi Baker, and that she got the word "poverty" for me. and that i am called to live among the poor and bring healing and restoration to them. and that i was going to bring "beauty to their lives."
she also confirmed a word that i got a few months ago from a friend. both of these friends gave me the word, "theatre" and that is all they got. neither one of them knew i was pursuing a theatre major for 4 years and ultimately had to give up on that dream when God pointed me in the other direction of nursing/clinical research.
i know this may not sound as cool to you as it did to me, but none of these people know each other. none of them have ever communicated or talked about what they were going to tell me.
that is the prophetic.
alright, background story. in 2011 (1 semester after i moved to wilmington from boone) i went to the Passion conference in january, for my second time. while there, i was in a small group with some of the coolest people i've ever met. we had such a bonding experience that i spoke to many of them for months/years later. we all kept up on facebook and had messages going back and forth.
one girl in the group told us she was switching her major. so i prayed for her. and the Lord gave me something to tell her. and i did. she ultimately ended up changing her major because my word was confirmation for her.
anyway, i have barely spoken to her since then, but she wrote to me the other day. she told me that she has been reading my blog and that the Lord spoke to her.
alright, another background story:
a few weeks ago, the second year interns started off our meeting by giving us prophetic words. in a nutshell...
first, someone said, "annie. i see missions for you. not a week or month kind of mission trip, but months and years. living among the people."
then, "annie i see kids. the ministry has something to do with kids.""
then, "i see you finding revelation with God through homeless ministries and people with a lower income. you are like a people magnet. showing God's light through who you are. people are attracted to your personality"
"annie, i also see that you have a spirit like Heidi Baker. and a special calling on your life like her."
pretty cool huh? interesting that they confirmed things in me that the Lord told me a few years ago (missions, kids, living overseas...etc.)
well, this girl from my community group facebook messaged me and told me basically that i had a special gift for healing. to keep pushing through because many people have had breakthroughs many years after starting their healing ministry. also, that she sees me similar to Heidi Baker, and that she got the word "poverty" for me. and that i am called to live among the poor and bring healing and restoration to them. and that i was going to bring "beauty to their lives."
she also confirmed a word that i got a few months ago from a friend. both of these friends gave me the word, "theatre" and that is all they got. neither one of them knew i was pursuing a theatre major for 4 years and ultimately had to give up on that dream when God pointed me in the other direction of nursing/clinical research.
i know this may not sound as cool to you as it did to me, but none of these people know each other. none of them have ever communicated or talked about what they were going to tell me.
that is the prophetic.
Tuesday, January 15, 2013
faith.
i am so freaking excited to tell you what happened today. i don't even know what it means, but i know it means something.
this morning i did in fact wake up to spend some time with Jesus. i was able to speak in the spirit for about 15 minutes straight and worship God in my prayer language for almost an hour. it was truly amazing, and completely amazing that i was able to focus on that without wanting to fall back asleep and get an extra 10 minutes.
funny part is, i was having such a blast, with tears streaming down my face, that i didn't even want to get out of bed. first time i have ever not wanted to get out of bed because i was having such a good time with the Lord. i actually probably spent too much time and ended up being late for work. haha. whoops.
i got up from my bed, and tried to find my glasses. (little known fact, my eyesight has grown increasingly worse over the last 11 years and i am now more than half way blind. my eye doctor told me i may even be legally blind by the time i am 30 years old.) after trying to find my glasses the scripture where Jesus heals the blind man came to my mind. and i was like, whoa! i'll perform a miracle!
so i put both hands on my eyes. prayed for a few minutes in my spirit language. opened my eyes, and nothing was better. needless to say, i was super bummed. luckily i found my contacts, and was able to make it out the door without being tooo late for work.
while at work, i received a text from my best friend maggie. sometimes maggie sends me verses and sometimes i send encouraging words to her. just you know, a friend thing. NBD.
her text went as followed, "Mark 10:52, 'Then Jesus said to him, 'Go your way; your faith has made you well.' And immediately he received his sight and followed Jesus on the road."
i was stunned. all i could text back at work was, "uhh. that is so weird."
unfortunately maggie took it as, "what a weird story. why did you send me this? bye."
but that was not it at all. i was so stunned that maggie would send me this random scripture out of all of the bible just to send to me. and that was all she sent. no words to follow up with it, or to forward it. just the scripture.
i am also reading this book called, "When Heaven Invades Earth" for the internship. this chapter i have been stuck on for the past week has all been about faith. which is really funny and odd now that i think about the events of my day today. there was a quote in there that made me think. it said, "Fear of appearing to live in denial is what keeps many from faith. Why is what anyone thinks so important to you that you'd not be willing to risk all to trust God? The fear of man is very strongly associated with unbelief. Conversely, the fear of God and faith are very closely related."
it wasnt because i didn't "pray correctly" or because i didn't have someone who is gifted in healing powers to heal me. it was because of my unbelief. even Jesus could not perform miracles in Nazareth because it says in Matthew 13:58, He could not heal them because of their unbelief.
JESUS. flipping SON of GOD could not perform miracles in Nazareth. it didn't say, "He didn't want to perform miracles" it said He COULDN'T perform miracles. as in, it wasn't possible at that time because of their unbelief.
crazy to think that, huh? the reason why we can't perform miracles has a lot to do with unbelief. i fully believe that you can believe in Christ, and yet still have unbelief.
and the thing is, unbelief only harms us. we could be getting healed left and right, up and down and furthering the kingdom of God and letting it spread like wildfire! just the way Jesus did for His 3 years of ministry.
but nope. we let the fear of what man will think of us come in the way. how unfortunate.
does anyone else have a problem with this as well? have you ever healed anyone, or even yourself with the power that Jesus said we have, now that we have Holy Spirit? because we do. we harness it. what are you doing with it?
Monday, January 14, 2013
biking.
today, i worked at starbucks. i meant to wake up early and have a few minutes with the Lord before i began my day, but you know how that goes when 5 extra minutes in bed feels like 5 extra hours. good thing His grace is sufficient, even when i want to sleep in. :) however, tomorrow (or i guess today) i am going to set my alarm for an extra hour to spend with Him. but, i am thinking He is going to wake me up before my alarm goes off.
you know those times when you are so in love, and you know the next day you have plans to get breakfast with the guy (or girl) you are smitten with? don't you ALWAYS wake up at least 5 minutes before your alarm clock goes off? if you can barely sleep at all?
that is kind of how i am feeling right now. i honestly can't wait to spend some sweet precious time with him tomorrow on my porch swing, and drench myself in His Love.
but anyway, after work today i decided to go on a bike ride. it was around 4ish i believe and it was BEAUTIFUL outside. i got my work-out clothes on, did some stretches, got my iPhone, turned on my "21 minute live workout station" on Pandora, and headed out on my favorite orange road bike.
about 2 1/2 minutes later, i pulled over on the side of the road and said, "WHAT IS THIS CRAP I AM LISTENING TO? do i really think i need something like Ke$ha to pump me up for a bike ride? helllllll no. i'm turning on some Jesus Culture." then i prayed, 'Lord, please use this station to pump me up. i am going off of my adderall, so trying to keep up the pace with Chris Tomlin and Hillsong may not cut it. so please, help me.'
i made it to the beach in record timing and plopped myself down on the sand. i carried my bike onto the sand (because i forgot my lock at home and aint no way no how someone is going to steal my bike.) and i ended up laying in the sun. i honestly could not get over how beautiful the sunset was. creation completely overwhelms me.
i always start thinking, the God who created all of this, created me too? He looks at me in even more awe than i look at a sunset. a THOUSAND times more in awe. He looks on me with love and says, "you are MINE."
so i started back on my bike and the song came on, "Amazed" by Desperation Band.
the lyrics go,
super super simple song. but man. listening to it when you are already in awe of Him, mind you...the Creator of the Universe, DANCES over you. He SINGS over you. no matter what you have done. no matter what you are going to do. no matter how completely off track you are, whether you read your bible ever, know any kind of scripture, go to a bible study, or even know who He is, or no matter if you EVER come back to Him, He still has an amazing love for you because love is who He IS. it isn't want He "does" or how He acts when He wants to, or because you were "good." no. it's because Love is who He is. God is Love.
once we as humans beings to understand that, we won't have to try and force ourselves to "be obedient" it will just naturally flow out of us. it will naturally flow from this immense love that is shared between creation and it's Creator.
you know those times when you are so in love, and you know the next day you have plans to get breakfast with the guy (or girl) you are smitten with? don't you ALWAYS wake up at least 5 minutes before your alarm clock goes off? if you can barely sleep at all?
that is kind of how i am feeling right now. i honestly can't wait to spend some sweet precious time with him tomorrow on my porch swing, and drench myself in His Love.
but anyway, after work today i decided to go on a bike ride. it was around 4ish i believe and it was BEAUTIFUL outside. i got my work-out clothes on, did some stretches, got my iPhone, turned on my "21 minute live workout station" on Pandora, and headed out on my favorite orange road bike.
about 2 1/2 minutes later, i pulled over on the side of the road and said, "WHAT IS THIS CRAP I AM LISTENING TO? do i really think i need something like Ke$ha to pump me up for a bike ride? helllllll no. i'm turning on some Jesus Culture." then i prayed, 'Lord, please use this station to pump me up. i am going off of my adderall, so trying to keep up the pace with Chris Tomlin and Hillsong may not cut it. so please, help me.'
i made it to the beach in record timing and plopped myself down on the sand. i carried my bike onto the sand (because i forgot my lock at home and aint no way no how someone is going to steal my bike.) and i ended up laying in the sun. i honestly could not get over how beautiful the sunset was. creation completely overwhelms me.
i always start thinking, the God who created all of this, created me too? He looks at me in even more awe than i look at a sunset. a THOUSAND times more in awe. He looks on me with love and says, "you are MINE."
so i started back on my bike and the song came on, "Amazed" by Desperation Band.
the lyrics go,
"You dance over meWhile I am unaware
You sing all around
But I never hear the sound
Lord I’m amazed by You
Lord I’m amazed by You
Lord I’m amazed by You
How You love me
How wide
How deep
How great
Is Your love for me"
super super simple song. but man. listening to it when you are already in awe of Him, mind you...the Creator of the Universe, DANCES over you. He SINGS over you. no matter what you have done. no matter what you are going to do. no matter how completely off track you are, whether you read your bible ever, know any kind of scripture, go to a bible study, or even know who He is, or no matter if you EVER come back to Him, He still has an amazing love for you because love is who He IS. it isn't want He "does" or how He acts when He wants to, or because you were "good." no. it's because Love is who He is. God is Love.
once we as humans beings to understand that, we won't have to try and force ourselves to "be obedient" it will just naturally flow out of us. it will naturally flow from this immense love that is shared between creation and it's Creator.
Saturday, January 12, 2013
just another saturday.
im starting this new blog. by the way, i hate using capital letters, i love using incorrect punctuation and i love rambling...so if you are an english crazed friend, i sincerely apologize.
for the internship that i am doing this year, one project is to work on something that we have a difficult time with. for me, it's allowing Holy Spirit to do whatever He wants in my life. to lead me in whatever direction He wants. unfortunately, laziness has become a key element in my life. waking up, and laying on the couch while watching boy meets world and eating my chocolate and drinking my coffee sounds like absolute heaven. so of course i don't want to get up and go to barnes and noble and give someone a word. that's too much work. the thing is, God calls us to a much higher standard than that of the world.
my project: to allow Holy Spirit to accompany me the moment i wake up, invite Him to ask me to do whatever gives God glory and make His name famous, and to not hesitate in my decision to walk side by side with Him. moment by moment.
my plan: i don't have one. hahaha. i think that is the point. however, i do plan on seeking Him the moment i wake up. asking Him to give me "activities" or places to go, and completely seek His voice on what i should do.
i know this kind of sounds ridiculous. and you may not understand it fully. neither do i. but i honestly hear Him calling me to do this, because i think something exciting is going to happen.
and that's why i am starting this blog. this is why i have invited you to join me in my journey. first, to keep me accountable. to make sure i am going out and doing what He calls me to do (especially when The Price is Right comes on at 11, and Boy Meets World from 12-2 on MTV 2.) i need your help in encouraging me, and joining me on this quest of that, dare to be great situation.
it's all for Him. it's not about me anymore. and i am honestly seeking the moment where i can fully start understanding that, and living out loud.
for the internship that i am doing this year, one project is to work on something that we have a difficult time with. for me, it's allowing Holy Spirit to do whatever He wants in my life. to lead me in whatever direction He wants. unfortunately, laziness has become a key element in my life. waking up, and laying on the couch while watching boy meets world and eating my chocolate and drinking my coffee sounds like absolute heaven. so of course i don't want to get up and go to barnes and noble and give someone a word. that's too much work. the thing is, God calls us to a much higher standard than that of the world.
my project: to allow Holy Spirit to accompany me the moment i wake up, invite Him to ask me to do whatever gives God glory and make His name famous, and to not hesitate in my decision to walk side by side with Him. moment by moment.
my plan: i don't have one. hahaha. i think that is the point. however, i do plan on seeking Him the moment i wake up. asking Him to give me "activities" or places to go, and completely seek His voice on what i should do.
i know this kind of sounds ridiculous. and you may not understand it fully. neither do i. but i honestly hear Him calling me to do this, because i think something exciting is going to happen.
and that's why i am starting this blog. this is why i have invited you to join me in my journey. first, to keep me accountable. to make sure i am going out and doing what He calls me to do (especially when The Price is Right comes on at 11, and Boy Meets World from 12-2 on MTV 2.) i need your help in encouraging me, and joining me on this quest of that, dare to be great situation.
it's all for Him. it's not about me anymore. and i am honestly seeking the moment where i can fully start understanding that, and living out loud.
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