love?

this week has been a super interesting week. i've been asking a lot of questions, concentrating on a lot of ideas, and trying to correlate past events with present feelings.

this past year, i fell in love. and i fell in love hard. i have never loved someone so deeply and passionately as i did this past year. i remember when i first started hanging out with him, the moment i dropped him off at his house after hanging out with him for one of the first times, i went home and couldn't WAIT until he texted me. i remember looking at my phone, spending countless hours reliving the few days i had with him, and just being so excited to see his car drive up in my driveway. haha, i remember even towards the end of our relationship, getting ready in my bathroom and continually looking out my window while getting ready just to see him walking towards my door. :)

we spent almost every day together. if we didn't see each other one day, we were either texting or talking on the phone. we hardly went a day without speaking. i remember craving to be near him, even when he was at work, and hoping he would text me. and then seeing him call me and i would get butterflies just for his name popping up on my phone.

that feeling never died down the entire time we dated. not once.

i realized that, love is wanting to be closer to the person even when you are standing in the same room with them. wanting to talk to them, or be near them, even if they are annoying the hell out of you. it doesnt matter if they smell like B.O. or have hair all over their back. it just wanting to be near them no matter if you talk, or are just sitting there reading the paper. as long as you are together. love is wanting to spend every day with that person and wanting to know what they are doing. wanting them to want to know what you are doing. wanting to share life beside them. to share exciting things with them. to hold them, to care for them. even when they dont deserve it. you still do it because you can't help it.

i realized through this relationship that i am not in love with God.

now, i know thats a super scary sentence to read. it's weird to take it in. and to read it especially after reading all my blogs about how wonderful he is to me, and how appreciative i am of him in my life. but through another relationship/friendship i was involved with this summer, just because you appreciate and are grateful for someone in your life, that doesnt mean you are in love with them. you can love what they do, how they make you feel, and the things they do for you, but that does not mean you love them. you can love them, but not be in love with them.

i love God. and i appreciate, and am grateful for him in my life, but i am not in love with him.

you can not force yourself to be in love with him, just the way you can not force yourself to be in love with someone. the relationship may make sense on paper, but that does not mean its the right thing.

i think there comes a time in everyone's life where God shows them his love. he does countless things for us each day, and its so easy to just, thank him, and keep going about your day. i remember when my ex would do something small for me, and just in that moment, it made my entire day. i couldnt stop thinking about how he helped me with my taxes, or helped make me dinner as i did my homework. it made me love him even more.

with God, when he does something for me, i say, "oh thank you so much!!!!" and keep going forward. it doesnt make me fall more in love with him.

im not saying i have all the answers. shoot. im just saying im realizing that something i thought was true, actually has not hit my heart yet.

i am hopeful that one day, i will be able to want to spend time with God the way i wanted to spend time with my ex. i will crave to hear from him each morning as he tells me he loves me, and will look at him with goo goo eyes as he shows me all the flowers he opened up, just for me, that morning.

it will happen. but just like it happened with my ex, it wont happen by me forcing it.

i think God craves us to just live. day by day. and he will take care of the rest. if we allow him to do things in his timing, i believe he will give us the desire of our heart: to fall madly, deeply, uncontrollably, irrevocably, recklessly in love with him.