the other night i had a dream.
it was extremely short, and woke me up immediately. i have a limited amount of details, but this is a dream i can not shake from my mind.
i was standing in a completely wide open field. while i was standing there, i looked around and recognized i went back in time. i noticed i was standing in the exact same place i stood not even a few months ago. back far enough in time to where i was able to fix a mistake i made in the past. i got the feeling that i was given a legitimate second chance. like, as if God picked me up from my current life, and transported me back to a specific moment in time.
it wasn't like i was standing there and got the courage to go forward with life and live. no. in my dream, i was familiar with field i was standing in, and was able to make the right choice instead of the wrong one. not, a similar situation where i learned from my past mistake. it was the actual mistake i was able to fix.
so i did. instead of turning to the right like i had done months before in that same spot, i took a left.
i recognized in my dream i had a second chance at a terrible decision. and i was humbled that the Lord took me back in time to fix my mistake.
still looking into what this means. what i got so far is that i am meant to build a time machine......
however, thats only my first interpretation. :)
Monday, September 23, 2013
Friday, September 20, 2013
secret to being happy.
today, i learned the secret to becoming happy.
first...let me just preface this, this is a theory. and if it doesn't work for you, i am sorry. it worked for me, so i want to challenge everyone to try this, and see if it happens for them. if you want to take this on, and let me know how it worked for you, that would be exciting and make me even happier (i'll explain in a little bit about how it will make me happier!)
okay. so, you know those days when you wake up late? like, 12 o clock afternoon kind of late? only to realize you have so much to accomplish in the day, and not enough time to fully complete it? or! you wake up and you don't have anything to do that day, so you lay around the house, watch t.v. attempt to be productive, only to find yourself playing candy crush on your phone and watching 10 episodes of new girl on the couch?
i know after i have experienced both of those situations in the last few days, i can attest that one day feels much better than the other. and i tried something on purpose to see if it made a difference.
it did.
yesterday: i worked for a few hours, and got off around noon. i came home and became lazy. and ended up watching 8 episodes of new girl on netflix and playing candy crush for almost 5 hours straight. by the end of the day (when i was going to bed) i realized i accomplished nothing. i barely spoke to anyone that day, and actually felt quite depressed when laying in bed.
today: i woke up around 12:30 and realized i needed to do almost 10 hours of homework and complete by sunday. this seems like appropriate time right? wrong. i am going to raleigh tomorrow to see a concert, and wont be back until sunday afternoon/night. its due by sunday at midnight. so, i go to PCJ downtown and get about half the work done, only to have my computer plug fall out and i lost all my homework. i felt a bit depressed and angry. almost the same feeling i had last night as i was crawling into bed.
the difference is: today, i decided that instead of being angry about my bad situation, i decided to go through my news feed on facebook (study break), and compliment everyone i saw that had something exciting happen in their life. i also decided to tell friends that i loved them and how much i appreciated them. and just, give some sort of encouragement for random people on facebook.
after i did this, i found myself laughing and excited for others when they had good news happen in their life, even after something bad happened in mine, and i feel disconnected from the world because on days like today, i feel like i have no friends.
basically what i am stating in my theory is that, when you feel depressed, or disconnected from the world, it's not because the world hates you, or is trying to push you away. it's because sometimes in order to feel loved, or feel happy, you need to put a little effort into the love or happiness.
this goes with the idea that, the amount of love you receive from the world, is equal to the amount of love that you put in. more love=more happiness.
it almost goes hand in hand with Christ. i mean, God is ALWAYS wanting to give us love! but sometimes, in order for us to receive it, we need to come to him.
now don't get me wrong. God's love is not like a vending machine. He is always always always giving love, but in order for US to RECEIVE it (or want to receive it, and feel it) sometimes, we need to work on our relationship with Him, and come to Him, to FEEL it. does that make sense?
however, my whole life i expected love to just come to me, and for me to be happy from that.
NO! wrong! ugh!
however, i am so happy to new discover this. and i want to be happier, when i hear that YOU experienced more happiness from doing this!!
go try it! when you feel weird, or like you don't have friends, or like you aren't happy about a current situation, reach out to others! go LOOKING for people to talk about happiness in their life, and get excited about their successes! OR! just compliment someone. throwing out compliments and encouragement makes you feel like, a thousand times better.
if it doesn't work, come to me and we will get you a counselor and figure out what the deeper issue is going on with you. :)
SERIOUSLY! GO TRY IT! :) :)
first...let me just preface this, this is a theory. and if it doesn't work for you, i am sorry. it worked for me, so i want to challenge everyone to try this, and see if it happens for them. if you want to take this on, and let me know how it worked for you, that would be exciting and make me even happier (i'll explain in a little bit about how it will make me happier!)
okay. so, you know those days when you wake up late? like, 12 o clock afternoon kind of late? only to realize you have so much to accomplish in the day, and not enough time to fully complete it? or! you wake up and you don't have anything to do that day, so you lay around the house, watch t.v. attempt to be productive, only to find yourself playing candy crush on your phone and watching 10 episodes of new girl on the couch?
i know after i have experienced both of those situations in the last few days, i can attest that one day feels much better than the other. and i tried something on purpose to see if it made a difference.
it did.
yesterday: i worked for a few hours, and got off around noon. i came home and became lazy. and ended up watching 8 episodes of new girl on netflix and playing candy crush for almost 5 hours straight. by the end of the day (when i was going to bed) i realized i accomplished nothing. i barely spoke to anyone that day, and actually felt quite depressed when laying in bed.
today: i woke up around 12:30 and realized i needed to do almost 10 hours of homework and complete by sunday. this seems like appropriate time right? wrong. i am going to raleigh tomorrow to see a concert, and wont be back until sunday afternoon/night. its due by sunday at midnight. so, i go to PCJ downtown and get about half the work done, only to have my computer plug fall out and i lost all my homework. i felt a bit depressed and angry. almost the same feeling i had last night as i was crawling into bed.
the difference is: today, i decided that instead of being angry about my bad situation, i decided to go through my news feed on facebook (study break), and compliment everyone i saw that had something exciting happen in their life. i also decided to tell friends that i loved them and how much i appreciated them. and just, give some sort of encouragement for random people on facebook.
after i did this, i found myself laughing and excited for others when they had good news happen in their life, even after something bad happened in mine, and i feel disconnected from the world because on days like today, i feel like i have no friends.
basically what i am stating in my theory is that, when you feel depressed, or disconnected from the world, it's not because the world hates you, or is trying to push you away. it's because sometimes in order to feel loved, or feel happy, you need to put a little effort into the love or happiness.
this goes with the idea that, the amount of love you receive from the world, is equal to the amount of love that you put in. more love=more happiness.
it almost goes hand in hand with Christ. i mean, God is ALWAYS wanting to give us love! but sometimes, in order for us to receive it, we need to come to him.
now don't get me wrong. God's love is not like a vending machine. He is always always always giving love, but in order for US to RECEIVE it (or want to receive it, and feel it) sometimes, we need to work on our relationship with Him, and come to Him, to FEEL it. does that make sense?
however, my whole life i expected love to just come to me, and for me to be happy from that.
NO! wrong! ugh!
however, i am so happy to new discover this. and i want to be happier, when i hear that YOU experienced more happiness from doing this!!
go try it! when you feel weird, or like you don't have friends, or like you aren't happy about a current situation, reach out to others! go LOOKING for people to talk about happiness in their life, and get excited about their successes! OR! just compliment someone. throwing out compliments and encouragement makes you feel like, a thousand times better.
if it doesn't work, come to me and we will get you a counselor and figure out what the deeper issue is going on with you. :)
SERIOUSLY! GO TRY IT! :) :)
Sunday, September 15, 2013
overwhelmed.
today, my heart was completely overwhelmed with love. i don't even know how to start speaking about it...but you want truth?
for everything that leaves your life, something beautiful enters.
and before now, i always thought it was something "better" that comes in when you lose something, but sometimes the things that enter, if you were to compare the two, they are like apples and oranges.
this summer i have had some really beautiful apples, and i didn't even take note of them until now.
but that's the interesting thing about life. beautiful things are happening all around you, but you will never notice them until you look over the hill you're facing and decide for yourself to notice that the leaves are not green anymore. they are red, and yellow, and orange. and each leaf has a story about how it changed.
for everything that leaves your life, something beautiful enters.
and before now, i always thought it was something "better" that comes in when you lose something, but sometimes the things that enter, if you were to compare the two, they are like apples and oranges.
this summer i have had some really beautiful apples, and i didn't even take note of them until now.
but that's the interesting thing about life. beautiful things are happening all around you, but you will never notice them until you look over the hill you're facing and decide for yourself to notice that the leaves are not green anymore. they are red, and yellow, and orange. and each leaf has a story about how it changed.
Friday, September 13, 2013
lightbulb.
when i want to run away, and hide
from the shameful things i've found inside,
i just can't seem to get, a break from myself.
i've got nothing left to give
in the space of emptiness, my heart finds comfort in bitterness.
love was my only intention, and i even failed at that.
now i've come to know,
second chances reach further in the hearts, of those who know,
who know they don't deserve it.
my Love, my king, i now know what you mean,
when you said to forgive them,
they know not what they do.
so hear my plea,
and understand me,
as i repeat the words back to you.
love is bigger than, the giants that i face.
god grant me the heart to love others
in the midst of adversity, for they know not what they do.
use me through my pain,
so i can honor you.
love is bigger than, the giants that i face.
from the shameful things i've found inside,
i just can't seem to get, a break from myself.
i've got nothing left to give
in the space of emptiness, my heart finds comfort in bitterness.
love was my only intention, and i even failed at that.
now i've come to know,
second chances reach further in the hearts, of those who know,
who know they don't deserve it.
my Love, my king, i now know what you mean,
when you said to forgive them,
they know not what they do.
so hear my plea,
and understand me,
as i repeat the words back to you.
love is bigger than, the giants that i face.
god grant me the heart to love others
in the midst of adversity, for they know not what they do.
use me through my pain,
so i can honor you.
love is bigger than, the giants that i face.
Sunday, September 8, 2013
study break.
want me to be real transparent?
this summer, i have felt as if i've made decisions that in turn made my life irreparable. like, as if i made so many bad decisions that i couldn't turn around, even if i wanted to. to finally stop being a train wreck. to finally move forward with things, and not just be simply...living in what seems like a pile of slop.
tonight, a simple song made my heart feel something i havent felt in a while.
"come away" -jesus culture.
Come away with me, Come away with me
It's never too late, it's not too late
It's not too late for you
I have a plan for you
I have a plan for you
It's gonna be wild
It's gonna be great
It's gonna be full of me
....yes.
so what? im a train wreck. so what? it's hard for me to move on. so what? i live in the past. this is me. transparent.
however, even with all that, jesus looks at me, sitting in my filth and says, "hey, i want you. this is what i have. follow me."
Tuesday, September 3, 2013
love?
this week has been a super interesting week. i've been asking a lot of questions, concentrating on a lot of ideas, and trying to correlate past events with present feelings.
this past year, i fell in love. and i fell in love hard. i have never loved someone so deeply and passionately as i did this past year. i remember when i first started hanging out with him, the moment i dropped him off at his house after hanging out with him for one of the first times, i went home and couldn't WAIT until he texted me. i remember looking at my phone, spending countless hours reliving the few days i had with him, and just being so excited to see his car drive up in my driveway. haha, i remember even towards the end of our relationship, getting ready in my bathroom and continually looking out my window while getting ready just to see him walking towards my door. :)
we spent almost every day together. if we didn't see each other one day, we were either texting or talking on the phone. we hardly went a day without speaking. i remember craving to be near him, even when he was at work, and hoping he would text me. and then seeing him call me and i would get butterflies just for his name popping up on my phone.
that feeling never died down the entire time we dated. not once.
i realized that, love is wanting to be closer to the person even when you are standing in the same room with them. wanting to talk to them, or be near them, even if they are annoying the hell out of you. it doesnt matter if they smell like B.O. or have hair all over their back. it just wanting to be near them no matter if you talk, or are just sitting there reading the paper. as long as you are together. love is wanting to spend every day with that person and wanting to know what they are doing. wanting them to want to know what you are doing. wanting to share life beside them. to share exciting things with them. to hold them, to care for them. even when they dont deserve it. you still do it because you can't help it.
i realized through this relationship that i am not in love with God.
now, i know thats a super scary sentence to read. it's weird to take it in. and to read it especially after reading all my blogs about how wonderful he is to me, and how appreciative i am of him in my life. but through another relationship/friendship i was involved with this summer, just because you appreciate and are grateful for someone in your life, that doesnt mean you are in love with them. you can love what they do, how they make you feel, and the things they do for you, but that does not mean you love them. you can love them, but not be in love with them.
i love God. and i appreciate, and am grateful for him in my life, but i am not in love with him.
you can not force yourself to be in love with him, just the way you can not force yourself to be in love with someone. the relationship may make sense on paper, but that does not mean its the right thing.
i think there comes a time in everyone's life where God shows them his love. he does countless things for us each day, and its so easy to just, thank him, and keep going about your day. i remember when my ex would do something small for me, and just in that moment, it made my entire day. i couldnt stop thinking about how he helped me with my taxes, or helped make me dinner as i did my homework. it made me love him even more.
with God, when he does something for me, i say, "oh thank you so much!!!!" and keep going forward. it doesnt make me fall more in love with him.
im not saying i have all the answers. shoot. im just saying im realizing that something i thought was true, actually has not hit my heart yet.
i am hopeful that one day, i will be able to want to spend time with God the way i wanted to spend time with my ex. i will crave to hear from him each morning as he tells me he loves me, and will look at him with goo goo eyes as he shows me all the flowers he opened up, just for me, that morning.
it will happen. but just like it happened with my ex, it wont happen by me forcing it.
i think God craves us to just live. day by day. and he will take care of the rest. if we allow him to do things in his timing, i believe he will give us the desire of our heart: to fall madly, deeply, uncontrollably, irrevocably, recklessly in love with him.
this past year, i fell in love. and i fell in love hard. i have never loved someone so deeply and passionately as i did this past year. i remember when i first started hanging out with him, the moment i dropped him off at his house after hanging out with him for one of the first times, i went home and couldn't WAIT until he texted me. i remember looking at my phone, spending countless hours reliving the few days i had with him, and just being so excited to see his car drive up in my driveway. haha, i remember even towards the end of our relationship, getting ready in my bathroom and continually looking out my window while getting ready just to see him walking towards my door. :)
we spent almost every day together. if we didn't see each other one day, we were either texting or talking on the phone. we hardly went a day without speaking. i remember craving to be near him, even when he was at work, and hoping he would text me. and then seeing him call me and i would get butterflies just for his name popping up on my phone.
that feeling never died down the entire time we dated. not once.
i realized that, love is wanting to be closer to the person even when you are standing in the same room with them. wanting to talk to them, or be near them, even if they are annoying the hell out of you. it doesnt matter if they smell like B.O. or have hair all over their back. it just wanting to be near them no matter if you talk, or are just sitting there reading the paper. as long as you are together. love is wanting to spend every day with that person and wanting to know what they are doing. wanting them to want to know what you are doing. wanting to share life beside them. to share exciting things with them. to hold them, to care for them. even when they dont deserve it. you still do it because you can't help it.
i realized through this relationship that i am not in love with God.
now, i know thats a super scary sentence to read. it's weird to take it in. and to read it especially after reading all my blogs about how wonderful he is to me, and how appreciative i am of him in my life. but through another relationship/friendship i was involved with this summer, just because you appreciate and are grateful for someone in your life, that doesnt mean you are in love with them. you can love what they do, how they make you feel, and the things they do for you, but that does not mean you love them. you can love them, but not be in love with them.
i love God. and i appreciate, and am grateful for him in my life, but i am not in love with him.
you can not force yourself to be in love with him, just the way you can not force yourself to be in love with someone. the relationship may make sense on paper, but that does not mean its the right thing.
i think there comes a time in everyone's life where God shows them his love. he does countless things for us each day, and its so easy to just, thank him, and keep going about your day. i remember when my ex would do something small for me, and just in that moment, it made my entire day. i couldnt stop thinking about how he helped me with my taxes, or helped make me dinner as i did my homework. it made me love him even more.
with God, when he does something for me, i say, "oh thank you so much!!!!" and keep going forward. it doesnt make me fall more in love with him.
im not saying i have all the answers. shoot. im just saying im realizing that something i thought was true, actually has not hit my heart yet.
i am hopeful that one day, i will be able to want to spend time with God the way i wanted to spend time with my ex. i will crave to hear from him each morning as he tells me he loves me, and will look at him with goo goo eyes as he shows me all the flowers he opened up, just for me, that morning.
it will happen. but just like it happened with my ex, it wont happen by me forcing it.
i think God craves us to just live. day by day. and he will take care of the rest. if we allow him to do things in his timing, i believe he will give us the desire of our heart: to fall madly, deeply, uncontrollably, irrevocably, recklessly in love with him.
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