whoa is it already 2019?

I decided to start writing blog posts again. I know many of the people I connect with on Social Media may not read it, but I figured it would be kind of like a journal of my thoughts and learned lessons. Coming from that viewpoint, maybe it can help give people a little perspective, wisdom and encouragement so they don’t have to experience the same things I have gone through. Maybe my pain and suffering can help alleviate that from others.

The last 5 months have been a big emotional struggle. I ended things with my long term boyfriend who I thought would be the person I was going to spend my life with. He is an incredible human being who I love deeply, but I realized that relationships require more than just love. They require effort, sacrifice, selflessness, and a heap of other things. I am so thankful for the relationship I had, and every time I think of my past love, I wish him well and hope for the best for him.

Unfortunately, I did not have that mentality the first 3 months following our break-up. I was heartbroken and not sure how to survive in my “new normal.” I became increasingly depressed and had somewhat of an identity crisis. Sadly, through this rough transition period, I met another incredible human who really loved me. I wanted so badly to love him back, but found I couldn’t fully give my heart to him. That bothered me to the nth degree. I wanted to be able to run into his arms and finally settle down with a man who was giving me everything I ever wanted, and that was lacking from all other men I dated. But sometimes life is not that simple. 

I see a lot of parallel in my life in relation to Elizabeth Gilbert, who wrote the book “Eat, Pray, Love.” Though our stories and situations are vastly different, after reading some of her book and seeing the movie, I know exactly the type of emotions she was struggling with internally. Seeing her feeling imprisoned in her relationship and “wanting more,” and turning around and going right into another toxic relationship, was incredibly scary to watch. To see that the relationship was toxic, even though the people were not horrible people in the relationship. It just wasn't the right thing, or the right timing. 

There was a part in the movie when she is speaking with her friend in her office telling her about her plan for the year (go to Italy, see David's Guru in India, and end the year in Bali). Her friend tries to tell her how she belongs in America, and how she has a support system right there. Elizabeth then explains how she feels she cannot give any of the people who love her any kind of love and support, because she felt like there is nothing left inside of her. Like she doesn't even have a pulse. She yearned to find a greater meaning in life than where she was. I know that exact scary feeling. Of wanting to experience freedom externally so she could feel it internally. She didn't feel like herself. Even though she had no idea who she was. That's a scary place to find yourself. 

After speaking with my counselor recently, I have come to realize I am the literal definition of a “people pleaser.” There is a huge difference between being a “helper” and a “people pleaser.” My whole life I thought I was a “helper” but it turns out, its turned to the toxic side of people pleasing. It’s a fine line that I crossed somewhere along the road.

Growing up as a middle child, I always craved attention. I wanted my family to like me, and to be proud of me. So while growing up, I calculated when I received the attention and praise from my family and friends. I kept it in the back of my mind so that when I wanted attention or praise, I would become a performer. I would either be silly, or goofy, or loud, obnoxious, high energy, a good Christian, a singer, dancer, soccer player, actress….you name it. If I received attention from a certain “act” I was performing, you better believe I kept that in my back pocket to pull out when I was lacking in the attention department.

This, has sadly, turned extremely toxic into my personal life. I ended up getting into relationships and putting on a performance. I would figure out what my friends liked about me, or what my boyfriend was interested in, and then in return I became that person, and became interested in those things as well. Not in order to “appreciate” them because he loved them, I wanted to love those things so he would see that in me and give me love back. I am now almost 29, and have absolutely no idea what I love. I don’t have any major hobbies, anything I enjoy doing other than hanging out with my sister, my friends, or watching movies on Netflix. I started recognizing that the things I “loved” or enjoyed doing, were all based out of previous relationships. Coffee? Past relationship. Camping? Past relationship. Hiking? Past relationship. Learning guitar? Past relationship. Writing poetry? Past relationship. Swimming? Past relationship. GOING TO CHURCH? Past relationship. (ouch…that one hurt to admit). Going to the movies? Past relationship. Sneakers/Adidas? Past relationship. Theater? Past relationship. Cooking? Past relationship.

You get the idea.

And some of you may argue…well hey! Those were all learning experiences to see what you like and who you are! However, I have come to find after a lot of these relationships ended, some of these things I continue to enjoy…but not because I actually liked them. Some of them? Yeah, sure. And I still like them to this day. most of them? Psh. I haven’t gone swimming in a decade. And that was something I “defined” myself as when I was really into it.

Basically. I have hit an identity crisis. Maybe some of you can relate. I don’t know. I don’t know if anyone else has had an identity crisis at 29 years old.

That’s where these last few weeks come in. For the first time in my life, I feel the smallest taste of freedom. Since elementary school, I was either liking a guy, or dating a guy, or breaking up with a guy. I haven't had more than a few days to actually deal with anything internally. All my focus and energy went into trying to figure out who to be, so that person would like me.

But lord have mercy, over the last 3 weeks, I realized how much energy and focus I have. It's like, I have been wasting all this precious energy the last freaking 24 years of my life, trying to become someone I am not, in order to get someone to like me...who would not ultimately be a good match.

What a waste.

But…in the spirit of moving forward, I regret very little. I am proud of coming to this realization before my 30^th birthday. I am proud of myself for seeing this before I am trapped in a marriage where I married a person because I ended up being who he wanted me to be. If I ever get married one day, I want it to be a healthy marriage. Where I know who I am, and he knows who he is...and it just works.

I am so thankful. So thankful to see this where I am now.

Yall wanna hear some cool things?

I recently joined a rock climbing gym. I have started taking Yoga. I have actually started learning how to keep a cleaning rotation at my house (no more only doing dishes once a month! Yay!). I AM LEARNING ITALIAN! I have embraced my curly hair. I have started a new face wash routine where I am utilizing good and natural products. I am saving up money and finding trips to take all through-out the year. I am experiencing true and pure freedom and happiness in my life for the first time, and it's not associated with a man, or a friend, or a family member. I am experiencing happiness for myself.

I am actually coming and blossoming into the person I have always wanted to be. And for the first time…the first time in my entire life…I am no longer painfully single. I am so incredibly happy being single. And can’t wait to see what else I am capable of as a strong independent woman.