rip van wrinkle.

am i the only 20 something year old that loves her wrinkles?



i was talking with my mom the other day...and i realized something. i absolutely love my wrinkles. i love my laugh lines. i love my crows feet near my eyes. i love the way my eyes sink a little further into my face. i love the sun spots on my face, and the way every single freckle tells a story.

i guess i can see where women come from when they talk about how they want to get rid of their wrinkles. to try and...become...younger. to try and erase the age spots that other people use to determine how old they are. i guess i can see it since trees do it too, with the bark hiding their rings within the trunk.

i guess i can see why women want to erase the places that showed where they were mad, or sad, or cried a lot. or when they were in the sun...perhaps a distant painful memory of watching a loved one leave town.

i could see how women would want to hide their skin with make up. to get rid of the ugly acne and freckles on their face. to give the apperance of soft smooth skin that looks like they never left home. maybe never went on adventures. or to try and erase the memory of that adventure. maybe they don't want to remember that they are getting older...too old to go on another one because of responsibilities.


but me?

no.


i love my wrinkles. i love looking into my face and seeing the lines where i cried. the lines that have made me who i have become. the sun spots that hit my face from standing too long in the sun when i was yelling at a boy outside of his apartment, begging him to love me...to be with me. the freckles i got when i moved to Wilmington to start a whole new life for myself. to experience the sun and not just the mountains. to take a chance on a new life.

i love my deep set eyes. the eyes that continue to fall back into my face, where it looks like bags under my eyes. those bags are full of wisdom. full of memories. full of pictures that will never be erased from my mind.

i love my zits and pimples. it reminds me of high school when i was made fun of for having a gross face. it shows me how far i have come. it shows me that it doesn't matter what your face looks like, only what your heart looks like. if you can improve your heart, your face doesn't matter all that much. people will like you for your face. people will love you for your heart.


make-up: a way of covering up the past. a way to make-up what you have been through.

nah. i'm good.

clogged arteries.

recently, i took one of those "buzzfeed" quizzes to determine if i was "left-brained or right-brained." this question has always puzzled me.

my mind sees crazy pictures. it's always been that way. day dreaming of flowers, mountain ranges, and always and forever the sunset. i hear beautiful harmonies in my mind, think of wonderful lyrics for songs and have a heart for creating beauty. i always contain the desire to paint, sing, dance, and experience beauty. however, my entire life, i've struggled with the ability to let my mind out. (even that last sentence was hard to write. what i wanted to say in a  creative way was...'i've struggled with the ability to get everything that is always in my head out into the world for people to see.' see what i mean? it's difficult to explain myself or even to get what i want to say out onto paper, or even into the world away from my mind.) living this way has been exhausting. so i assumed my creativity was more directed toward math, logic, and...you know, left-brained stuff.

want to know something absolutely crazy? in high school, i loved math more than you could even imagine. i would go home and look at my math book and teach myself things you wouldn't even begin to believe. math, numbers, probability, algebra, angles make SENSE to me. weird huh? how a girl who loves to daydream and make up things, LOVES numbers. i would actually sit in math class as the teacher was talking and explaining the "new topic" that we "didn't know about yet" and i was doing that night's homework on my desk. here is a typical conversation i would have with my teacher after class:

teacher: "annie, i'm going to need you to pay attention in class instead of doodling."
me: "no, you don't understand, i was doing the homework for tonight."
teacher: "how do you know how to do it? that is what i was explaining in class today. you would have known that if you were paying attention. now i know you are involved in theatre and musicals and art and all of the extra curricular activities, and those are fine, but i need you to understand and pay attention to math. you're going to need these things too."
me: "no. i was really doing the homework. i finished. here."
(at this point, she was really mad at me)
teacher: "wait. how did you....wait. what?"
me: "can you assign me more problems from the textbook? or give me a worksheet on figuring out angles? those are my favorite."

teachers didn't understand me. hell, i didn't understand me. i still don't in many aspects. but i realized something the other night. it's not that i am totally right-brained or totally left-brained. i've just been more comfortable and have the ability/practice to communicate my left-side characteristics.

so what is the difference between revealing my right-side and left-side?

these questions have most often been swirling in my head: "am i scared of what might come out?" "am i afraid of what people might say/think/judge my art?" "will i be able to express my heart through my hand?" "how do i practice getting it out?"

it almost feels as if there is a mental block. almost the way a clog feels like in your arteries. am i going to have a heart attack if i don't break through and get a flow going?

but at the same time, i almost have a superman complex. when i see a painting, or artwork, or lyrics/poems, i think, "what? i could totally do that." and i sit down to write what is in my head, and you know what comes out? nothing.

i noticed that extremely creative and right-brained people doodle. i have never been able to doodle. do i want to doodle? absolutely. am i able to draw? absolutely not. have i tried? of course.

i guess i try to figure out what is going on with my heart as i talk and write. this blog was not written with the intention of writing a question and arriving at an answer. it's more of, "hey, this is what i'm thinking and feeling. has anyone else experienced this and can give me tips?"

i press on.

strong, independent woman.

Recently, I've been wondering what I want people to view me as when I'm gone. That thought has always been in my mind, but it has taken more of a precedence within the last 6 months. After long, restless nights of tossing, turning and mind racing, I was able to come up with the simple statement:

"I want to be a strong, independent woman."

That phrase, to me, is controversial in the sense that by making this claim people will view you in a few different ways. One half may think you are "too independent for a man" and the other half may think, "you're a lesbian." Two of things that I honestly have no problem with, but not exactly who I am. So in this, I want to explain what a strong, independent woman means to me.

I am a woman. I have experienced love and heartbreak more times than I want to admit. I have gone through financial difficulty, and financial security. I pay for my own rent, gas, groceries, bills and social life, with a job that pays under $10 an hour. Granted, it's been difficult, and I have had blessings from friends that have made my life more comfortable. However, I believe being independent runs deeper than finances.

In my last relationship, I was extremely dependent. If I needed to do something or have something done, he was the first one I called. He paid for food, gas on road trips, and multiple other things. I also depended on him emotionally.

After our relationship ended, dependency fell onto my own shoulders. If something needed to be done, I learned how to fix it. If something emotional happened in my life, of course my friends offered a listening ear, but I worked on it myself. My heart belonged to me. It was mine. My life was my own. There is something so freeing about having your own room and your own happiness.

Does that mean I don't want a man? Absolutely not. I love relationships. But there is something that being single teaches women. It teaches us that we are strong. That we have what it takes to get through rough times and to come out of it smiling. To be strong is someone who is good, and treats others the way they want to be treated. To love enemies even when they don't love or respect them back. To hold their own opinions, but open enough to know that they may not have all the answers. To open a listening ear and give advice to loved ones, no matter how hard the advice is to give. To love with your whole heart, but to never give it to anyone who doesn't fight for it. To be independent is to hold your own. It does not be to be hard hearted or cold. Or to never take advice, or help from others. It doesn't mean you are too proud to accept blessings. It means you give up things that matter for the greater good of those around you. To those you love.

I want to be a strong, independent woman. And that is what I am working towards.

a dream is a wish your heart makes.

the other night i had a dream.

it was extremely short, and woke me up immediately. i have a limited amount of details, but this is a dream i can not shake from my mind.

i was standing in a completely wide open field. while i was standing there, i looked around and recognized i went back in time. i noticed i was standing in the exact same place i stood not even a few months ago. back far enough in time to where i was able to fix a mistake i made in the past. i got the feeling that i was given a legitimate second chance. like, as if God picked me up from my current life, and transported me back to a specific moment in time.

it wasn't like i was standing there and got the courage to go forward with life and live. no. in my dream, i was familiar with field i was standing in, and was able to make the right choice instead of the wrong one. not, a similar situation where i learned from my past mistake. it was the actual mistake i was able to fix.

so i did. instead of turning to the right like i had done months before in that same spot, i took a left.

i recognized in my dream i had a second chance at a terrible decision. and i was humbled that the Lord took me back in time to fix my mistake.


still looking into what this means. what i got so far is that i am meant to build a time machine......

however, thats only my first interpretation. :)

secret to being happy.

today, i learned the secret to becoming happy.

first...let me just preface this, this is a theory. and if it doesn't work for you, i am sorry. it worked for me, so i want to challenge everyone to try this, and see if it happens for them. if you want to take this on, and let me know how it worked for you, that would be exciting and make me even happier (i'll explain in a little bit about how it will make me happier!)

okay. so, you know those days when you wake up late? like, 12 o clock afternoon kind of late? only to realize you have so much to accomplish in the day, and not enough time to fully complete it? or! you wake up and you don't have anything to do that day, so you lay around the house, watch t.v. attempt to be productive, only to find yourself playing candy crush on your phone and watching 10 episodes of new girl on the couch?

i know after i have experienced both of those situations in the last few days, i can attest that one day feels much better than the other. and i tried something on purpose to see if it made a difference.

it did.

yesterday: i worked for a few hours, and got off around noon. i came home and became lazy. and ended up watching 8 episodes of new girl on netflix and playing candy crush for almost 5 hours straight. by the end of the day (when i was going to bed) i realized i accomplished nothing. i barely spoke to anyone that day, and actually felt quite depressed when laying in bed.

today: i woke up around 12:30 and realized i needed to do almost 10 hours of homework and complete by sunday. this seems like appropriate time right? wrong. i am going to raleigh tomorrow to see a concert, and wont be back until sunday afternoon/night. its due by sunday at midnight. so, i go to PCJ downtown and get about half the work done, only to have my computer plug fall out and i lost all my homework. i felt a bit depressed and angry. almost the same feeling i had last night as i was crawling into bed.

the difference is: today, i decided that instead of being angry about my bad situation, i decided to go through my news feed on facebook (study break), and compliment everyone i saw that had something exciting happen in their life. i also decided to tell friends that i loved them and how much i appreciated them. and just, give some sort of encouragement for random people on facebook.

after i did this, i found myself laughing and excited for others when they had good news happen in their life, even after something bad happened in mine, and i feel disconnected from the world because on days like today, i feel like i have no friends.

basically what i am stating in my theory is that, when you feel depressed, or disconnected from the world, it's not because the world hates you, or is trying to push you away. it's because sometimes in order to feel loved, or feel happy, you need to put a little effort into the love or happiness.

this goes with the idea that, the amount of love you receive from the world, is equal to the amount of love that you put in. more love=more happiness.

it almost goes hand in hand with Christ. i mean, God is ALWAYS wanting to give us love! but sometimes, in order for us to receive it, we need to come to him.

now don't get me wrong. God's love is not like a vending machine. He is always always always giving love, but in order for US to RECEIVE it (or want to receive it, and feel it) sometimes, we need to work on our relationship with Him, and come to Him, to FEEL it. does that make sense?

however, my whole life i expected love to just come to me, and for me to be happy from that.

NO! wrong! ugh!

however, i am so happy to new discover this. and i want to be happier, when i hear that YOU experienced more happiness from doing this!!

go try it! when you feel weird, or like you don't have friends, or like you aren't happy about a current situation, reach out to others! go LOOKING for people to talk about happiness in their life, and get excited about their successes! OR! just compliment someone. throwing out compliments and encouragement makes you feel like, a thousand times better.

if it doesn't work, come to me and we will get you a counselor and figure out what the deeper issue is going on with you. :)

SERIOUSLY! GO TRY IT! :) :)

overwhelmed.

today, my heart was completely overwhelmed with love. i don't even know how to start speaking about it...but you want truth?

for everything that leaves your life, something beautiful enters.

and before now, i always thought it was something "better" that comes in when you lose something, but sometimes the things that enter, if you were to compare the two, they are like apples and oranges.

this summer i have had some really beautiful apples, and i didn't even take note of them until now.

but that's the interesting thing about life. beautiful things are happening all around you, but you will never notice them until you look over the hill you're facing and decide for yourself to notice that the leaves are not green anymore. they are red, and yellow, and orange. and each leaf has a story about how it changed.

lightbulb.

when i want to run away, and hide
from the shameful things i've found inside,
i just can't seem to get, a break from myself.

i've got nothing left to give
in the space of emptiness, my heart finds comfort in bitterness.
love was my only intention, and i even failed at that.

now i've come to know,
second chances reach further in the hearts, of those who know,
who know they don't deserve it.

my Love, my king, i now know what you mean,
when you said to forgive them,
they know not what they do.

so hear my plea,
and understand me,
as i repeat the words back to you.

love is bigger than, the giants that i face.

god grant me the heart to love others
in the midst of adversity, for they know not what they do.
use me through my pain,
so i can honor you.

love is bigger than, the giants that i face.