an unmarried woman

if you follow me on social media, you know recently that i bought a new house, 😂. i am 100% unashamed of how much i have posted about it...and i will explain why below.

i grew up in a childhood where all of the females were married and had kids before the age of 30. they bought homes with their significant other, had either careers or were stay at home moms, etc. i was proud and so incredibly excited for each and every one of them. i loved going to the bridal and baby showers, the weddings, the house warmings, etc. i figured, since they had all "started their life" before the age of 30, i would too. it was just a matter of time before it was my turn to find my "happily every after"

i found myself at age 26, single, no kids, no house, no prospects. i kept thinking "when will life start for me?"

now, i find myself at age 29, and realize it already did.

you see, after the example of "married, family, and house before age of 30" is set before you by the women in your life, you automatically assume that is how life works. and when it doesnt, is when the thief of joy (comparison) swoops in and steals your happiness. every break up feels 1000 times worse. every failed offer on a house feels 1000 times worse. sometimes, even when you get your period, your thought process is "i dont have many of these eggs left. another one bites the dust." (sorry if that was TMI, but its true).

after 3 and a half years of house searching, and many break ups later, at age 29 i found myself crying on the bed after my 7th house offer was rejected. i truly thought i was spiraling downward, and worried about falling into another depression.

and then i found the home on forestville road.

the most beautiful oasis i ever did see. i will not bore you with details of the house and the home buying process, but if you want to know the story (its actually really cool), i can tell you about it sometime over wine or coffee.

needless to say, the home is perfect. the seller was a dream. the due diligence period was seamless. the appraisal was perfect. and the entire process was nothing short of enjoyable.

at closing, i was looking at the documents i needed to sign, and it said it RIGHT THERE,

Name: Annie Laurie McGee
Gender: Female
Marital Status: An Unmarried Woman

not "single," not "N/A" not just "unmarried" it said an unmarried woman.

that line hit me so weird. i said something about it at my closing to the attorney. i said, "oh. hahaha, instead of single it says, 'an unmarried woman.'" The closing attorney said, "Oh, yeah. That is such a weird way of saying it. I am so sorry. Some lenders use different phrases. I hope it doesnt offend you."

i thought it was so weird to state Gender as Female, and then as marital status "an unmarried woman." why do you ask for my gender if you are going to state i am an unmarried woman right after? for men, do they have "an unmarried man" I wonder? I am actually very curious to know if they do. is it more of a liability if its an unmarried woman vs an unmarried male? (the world may never know...)

i responded back with, "actually, i like the way it sounds. i like it phrased that way. lets keep going."

i am an unmarried woman who has the ability to buy herself a home. i was able to get through college, 3 different jobs/companies, live on my own for over 10 years, and save up enough money to buy my own house without a man.

can i just stop and be excited about that thought for a second? whenever i think again of the phrase, an unmarried woman i just wanna scream with excitement now. all i can think of is "I AM WOMAN HEAR ME ROAR!!!"

i am a strong, independent woman. i have been able to do all of this without another human being. i dont need a spouse in order to start my happily ever after. of course, that is not to say i dont ever want to get married and have kids, but through this process i have seen that God is the only one i need. HE is the power behind my ability to not need anyone else in this life. Sure, a lot of things would have been easier with a spouse. helping choose a home, figure out how to make an offer on a home, packing up all the items in my house, figuring out what to toss and what to keep, picking up items for the new house, helping to pay for the home inspections, the cost of the down payment, designing the space, and painting (LORD THE PAINTING, ughhh).

sure. all of that would have been easier with someone beside me. and i do have a great boyfriend right now who has been helping with my errand running, and a sister who has already helped me begin to paint, and i am so incredibly happy and appreciative of the help during this time. but its different. its different to go through something like this on your own, when you thought the only way to do it was with a husband.

i love learning and experiencing these types of revelations in my life.

if you are an unmarried woman, i encourage you to go to your nearest mirror, and look into it at yourself. say out loud, "i am an unmarried woman. and look at how far i have come on my own. i am strong, i am powerful, i am able to do anything i want. i am enough. i am my own happily ever after."

i love you all. so very much. and if you are a struggling unmarried woman, lets chat :) i want to encourage you and show you your strength. and that you are enough.

whoa is it already 2019?

I decided to start writing blog posts again. I know many of the people I connect with on Social Media may not read it, but I figured it would be kind of like a journal of my thoughts and learned lessons. Coming from that viewpoint, maybe it can help give people a little perspective, wisdom and encouragement so they don’t have to experience the same things I have gone through. Maybe my pain and suffering can help alleviate that from others.

The last 5 months have been a big emotional struggle. I ended things with my long term boyfriend who I thought would be the person I was going to spend my life with. He is an incredible human being who I love deeply, but I realized that relationships require more than just love. They require effort, sacrifice, selflessness, and a heap of other things. I am so thankful for the relationship I had, and every time I think of my past love, I wish him well and hope for the best for him.

Unfortunately, I did not have that mentality the first 3 months following our break-up. I was heartbroken and not sure how to survive in my “new normal.” I became increasingly depressed and had somewhat of an identity crisis. Sadly, through this rough transition period, I met another incredible human who really loved me. I wanted so badly to love him back, but found I couldn’t fully give my heart to him. That bothered me to the nth degree. I wanted to be able to run into his arms and finally settle down with a man who was giving me everything I ever wanted, and that was lacking from all other men I dated. But sometimes life is not that simple. 

I see a lot of parallel in my life in relation to Elizabeth Gilbert, who wrote the book “Eat, Pray, Love.” Though our stories and situations are vastly different, after reading some of her book and seeing the movie, I know exactly the type of emotions she was struggling with internally. Seeing her feeling imprisoned in her relationship and “wanting more,” and turning around and going right into another toxic relationship, was incredibly scary to watch. To see that the relationship was toxic, even though the people were not horrible people in the relationship. It just wasn't the right thing, or the right timing. 

There was a part in the movie when she is speaking with her friend in her office telling her about her plan for the year (go to Italy, see David's Guru in India, and end the year in Bali). Her friend tries to tell her how she belongs in America, and how she has a support system right there. Elizabeth then explains how she feels she cannot give any of the people who love her any kind of love and support, because she felt like there is nothing left inside of her. Like she doesn't even have a pulse. She yearned to find a greater meaning in life than where she was. I know that exact scary feeling. Of wanting to experience freedom externally so she could feel it internally. She didn't feel like herself. Even though she had no idea who she was. That's a scary place to find yourself. 

After speaking with my counselor recently, I have come to realize I am the literal definition of a “people pleaser.” There is a huge difference between being a “helper” and a “people pleaser.” My whole life I thought I was a “helper” but it turns out, its turned to the toxic side of people pleasing. It’s a fine line that I crossed somewhere along the road.

Growing up as a middle child, I always craved attention. I wanted my family to like me, and to be proud of me. So while growing up, I calculated when I received the attention and praise from my family and friends. I kept it in the back of my mind so that when I wanted attention or praise, I would become a performer. I would either be silly, or goofy, or loud, obnoxious, high energy, a good Christian, a singer, dancer, soccer player, actress….you name it. If I received attention from a certain “act” I was performing, you better believe I kept that in my back pocket to pull out when I was lacking in the attention department.

This, has sadly, turned extremely toxic into my personal life. I ended up getting into relationships and putting on a performance. I would figure out what my friends liked about me, or what my boyfriend was interested in, and then in return I became that person, and became interested in those things as well. Not in order to “appreciate” them because he loved them, I wanted to love those things so he would see that in me and give me love back. I am now almost 29, and have absolutely no idea what I love. I don’t have any major hobbies, anything I enjoy doing other than hanging out with my sister, my friends, or watching movies on Netflix. I started recognizing that the things I “loved” or enjoyed doing, were all based out of previous relationships. Coffee? Past relationship. Camping? Past relationship. Hiking? Past relationship. Learning guitar? Past relationship. Writing poetry? Past relationship. Swimming? Past relationship. GOING TO CHURCH? Past relationship. (ouch…that one hurt to admit). Going to the movies? Past relationship. Sneakers/Adidas? Past relationship. Theater? Past relationship. Cooking? Past relationship.

You get the idea.

And some of you may argue…well hey! Those were all learning experiences to see what you like and who you are! However, I have come to find after a lot of these relationships ended, some of these things I continue to enjoy…but not because I actually liked them. Some of them? Yeah, sure. And I still like them to this day. most of them? Psh. I haven’t gone swimming in a decade. And that was something I “defined” myself as when I was really into it.

Basically. I have hit an identity crisis. Maybe some of you can relate. I don’t know. I don’t know if anyone else has had an identity crisis at 29 years old.

That’s where these last few weeks come in. For the first time in my life, I feel the smallest taste of freedom. Since elementary school, I was either liking a guy, or dating a guy, or breaking up with a guy. I haven't had more than a few days to actually deal with anything internally. All my focus and energy went into trying to figure out who to be, so that person would like me.

But lord have mercy, over the last 3 weeks, I realized how much energy and focus I have. It's like, I have been wasting all this precious energy the last freaking 24 years of my life, trying to become someone I am not, in order to get someone to like me...who would not ultimately be a good match.

What a waste.

But…in the spirit of moving forward, I regret very little. I am proud of coming to this realization before my 30^th birthday. I am proud of myself for seeing this before I am trapped in a marriage where I married a person because I ended up being who he wanted me to be. If I ever get married one day, I want it to be a healthy marriage. Where I know who I am, and he knows who he is...and it just works.

I am so thankful. So thankful to see this where I am now.

Yall wanna hear some cool things?

I recently joined a rock climbing gym. I have started taking Yoga. I have actually started learning how to keep a cleaning rotation at my house (no more only doing dishes once a month! Yay!). I AM LEARNING ITALIAN! I have embraced my curly hair. I have started a new face wash routine where I am utilizing good and natural products. I am saving up money and finding trips to take all through-out the year. I am experiencing true and pure freedom and happiness in my life for the first time, and it's not associated with a man, or a friend, or a family member. I am experiencing happiness for myself.

I am actually coming and blossoming into the person I have always wanted to be. And for the first time…the first time in my entire life…I am no longer painfully single. I am so incredibly happy being single. And can’t wait to see what else I am capable of as a strong independent woman.

rip van wrinkle.

am i the only 20 something year old that loves her wrinkles?



i was talking with my mom the other day...and i realized something. i absolutely love my wrinkles. i love my laugh lines. i love my crows feet near my eyes. i love the way my eyes sink a little further into my face. i love the sun spots on my face, and the way every single freckle tells a story.

i guess i can see where women come from when they talk about how they want to get rid of their wrinkles. to try and...become...younger. to try and erase the age spots that other people use to determine how old they are. i guess i can see it since trees do it too, with the bark hiding their rings within the trunk.

i guess i can see why women want to erase the places that showed where they were mad, or sad, or cried a lot. or when they were in the sun...perhaps a distant painful memory of watching a loved one leave town.

i could see how women would want to hide their skin with make up. to get rid of the ugly acne and freckles on their face. to give the apperance of soft smooth skin that looks like they never left home. maybe never went on adventures. or to try and erase the memory of that adventure. maybe they don't want to remember that they are getting older...too old to go on another one because of responsibilities.


but me?

no.


i love my wrinkles. i love looking into my face and seeing the lines where i cried. the lines that have made me who i have become. the sun spots that hit my face from standing too long in the sun when i was yelling at a boy outside of his apartment, begging him to love me...to be with me. the freckles i got when i moved to Wilmington to start a whole new life for myself. to experience the sun and not just the mountains. to take a chance on a new life.

i love my deep set eyes. the eyes that continue to fall back into my face, where it looks like bags under my eyes. those bags are full of wisdom. full of memories. full of pictures that will never be erased from my mind.

i love my zits and pimples. it reminds me of high school when i was made fun of for having a gross face. it shows me how far i have come. it shows me that it doesn't matter what your face looks like, only what your heart looks like. if you can improve your heart, your face doesn't matter all that much. people will like you for your face. people will love you for your heart.


make-up: a way of covering up the past. a way to make-up what you have been through.

nah. i'm good.

clogged arteries.

recently, i took one of those "buzzfeed" quizzes to determine if i was "left-brained or right-brained." this question has always puzzled me.

my mind sees crazy pictures. it's always been that way. day dreaming of flowers, mountain ranges, and always and forever the sunset. i hear beautiful harmonies in my mind, think of wonderful lyrics for songs and have a heart for creating beauty. i always contain the desire to paint, sing, dance, and experience beauty. however, my entire life, i've struggled with the ability to let my mind out. (even that last sentence was hard to write. what i wanted to say in a  creative way was...'i've struggled with the ability to get everything that is always in my head out into the world for people to see.' see what i mean? it's difficult to explain myself or even to get what i want to say out onto paper, or even into the world away from my mind.) living this way has been exhausting. so i assumed my creativity was more directed toward math, logic, and...you know, left-brained stuff.

want to know something absolutely crazy? in high school, i loved math more than you could even imagine. i would go home and look at my math book and teach myself things you wouldn't even begin to believe. math, numbers, probability, algebra, angles make SENSE to me. weird huh? how a girl who loves to daydream and make up things, LOVES numbers. i would actually sit in math class as the teacher was talking and explaining the "new topic" that we "didn't know about yet" and i was doing that night's homework on my desk. here is a typical conversation i would have with my teacher after class:

teacher: "annie, i'm going to need you to pay attention in class instead of doodling."
me: "no, you don't understand, i was doing the homework for tonight."
teacher: "how do you know how to do it? that is what i was explaining in class today. you would have known that if you were paying attention. now i know you are involved in theatre and musicals and art and all of the extra curricular activities, and those are fine, but i need you to understand and pay attention to math. you're going to need these things too."
me: "no. i was really doing the homework. i finished. here."
(at this point, she was really mad at me)
teacher: "wait. how did you....wait. what?"
me: "can you assign me more problems from the textbook? or give me a worksheet on figuring out angles? those are my favorite."

teachers didn't understand me. hell, i didn't understand me. i still don't in many aspects. but i realized something the other night. it's not that i am totally right-brained or totally left-brained. i've just been more comfortable and have the ability/practice to communicate my left-side characteristics.

so what is the difference between revealing my right-side and left-side?

these questions have most often been swirling in my head: "am i scared of what might come out?" "am i afraid of what people might say/think/judge my art?" "will i be able to express my heart through my hand?" "how do i practice getting it out?"

it almost feels as if there is a mental block. almost the way a clog feels like in your arteries. am i going to have a heart attack if i don't break through and get a flow going?

but at the same time, i almost have a superman complex. when i see a painting, or artwork, or lyrics/poems, i think, "what? i could totally do that." and i sit down to write what is in my head, and you know what comes out? nothing.

i noticed that extremely creative and right-brained people doodle. i have never been able to doodle. do i want to doodle? absolutely. am i able to draw? absolutely not. have i tried? of course.

i guess i try to figure out what is going on with my heart as i talk and write. this blog was not written with the intention of writing a question and arriving at an answer. it's more of, "hey, this is what i'm thinking and feeling. has anyone else experienced this and can give me tips?"

i press on.

strong, independent woman.

Recently, I've been wondering what I want people to view me as when I'm gone. That thought has always been in my mind, but it has taken more of a precedence within the last 6 months. After long, restless nights of tossing, turning and mind racing, I was able to come up with the simple statement:

"I want to be a strong, independent woman."

That phrase, to me, is controversial in the sense that by making this claim people will view you in a few different ways. One half may think you are "too independent for a man" and the other half may think, "you're a lesbian." Two of things that I honestly have no problem with, but not exactly who I am. So in this, I want to explain what a strong, independent woman means to me.

I am a woman. I have experienced love and heartbreak more times than I want to admit. I have gone through financial difficulty, and financial security. I pay for my own rent, gas, groceries, bills and social life, with a job that pays under $10 an hour. Granted, it's been difficult, and I have had blessings from friends that have made my life more comfortable. However, I believe being independent runs deeper than finances.

In my last relationship, I was extremely dependent. If I needed to do something or have something done, he was the first one I called. He paid for food, gas on road trips, and multiple other things. I also depended on him emotionally.

After our relationship ended, dependency fell onto my own shoulders. If something needed to be done, I learned how to fix it. If something emotional happened in my life, of course my friends offered a listening ear, but I worked on it myself. My heart belonged to me. It was mine. My life was my own. There is something so freeing about having your own room and your own happiness.

Does that mean I don't want a man? Absolutely not. I love relationships. But there is something that being single teaches women. It teaches us that we are strong. That we have what it takes to get through rough times and to come out of it smiling. To be strong is someone who is good, and treats others the way they want to be treated. To love enemies even when they don't love or respect them back. To hold their own opinions, but open enough to know that they may not have all the answers. To open a listening ear and give advice to loved ones, no matter how hard the advice is to give. To love with your whole heart, but to never give it to anyone who doesn't fight for it. To be independent is to hold your own. It does not be to be hard hearted or cold. Or to never take advice, or help from others. It doesn't mean you are too proud to accept blessings. It means you give up things that matter for the greater good of those around you. To those you love.

I want to be a strong, independent woman. And that is what I am working towards.

a dream is a wish your heart makes.

the other night i had a dream.

it was extremely short, and woke me up immediately. i have a limited amount of details, but this is a dream i can not shake from my mind.

i was standing in a completely wide open field. while i was standing there, i looked around and recognized i went back in time. i noticed i was standing in the exact same place i stood not even a few months ago. back far enough in time to where i was able to fix a mistake i made in the past. i got the feeling that i was given a legitimate second chance. like, as if God picked me up from my current life, and transported me back to a specific moment in time.

it wasn't like i was standing there and got the courage to go forward with life and live. no. in my dream, i was familiar with field i was standing in, and was able to make the right choice instead of the wrong one. not, a similar situation where i learned from my past mistake. it was the actual mistake i was able to fix.

so i did. instead of turning to the right like i had done months before in that same spot, i took a left.

i recognized in my dream i had a second chance at a terrible decision. and i was humbled that the Lord took me back in time to fix my mistake.


still looking into what this means. what i got so far is that i am meant to build a time machine......

however, thats only my first interpretation. :)

secret to being happy.

today, i learned the secret to becoming happy.

first...let me just preface this, this is a theory. and if it doesn't work for you, i am sorry. it worked for me, so i want to challenge everyone to try this, and see if it happens for them. if you want to take this on, and let me know how it worked for you, that would be exciting and make me even happier (i'll explain in a little bit about how it will make me happier!)

okay. so, you know those days when you wake up late? like, 12 o clock afternoon kind of late? only to realize you have so much to accomplish in the day, and not enough time to fully complete it? or! you wake up and you don't have anything to do that day, so you lay around the house, watch t.v. attempt to be productive, only to find yourself playing candy crush on your phone and watching 10 episodes of new girl on the couch?

i know after i have experienced both of those situations in the last few days, i can attest that one day feels much better than the other. and i tried something on purpose to see if it made a difference.

it did.

yesterday: i worked for a few hours, and got off around noon. i came home and became lazy. and ended up watching 8 episodes of new girl on netflix and playing candy crush for almost 5 hours straight. by the end of the day (when i was going to bed) i realized i accomplished nothing. i barely spoke to anyone that day, and actually felt quite depressed when laying in bed.

today: i woke up around 12:30 and realized i needed to do almost 10 hours of homework and complete by sunday. this seems like appropriate time right? wrong. i am going to raleigh tomorrow to see a concert, and wont be back until sunday afternoon/night. its due by sunday at midnight. so, i go to PCJ downtown and get about half the work done, only to have my computer plug fall out and i lost all my homework. i felt a bit depressed and angry. almost the same feeling i had last night as i was crawling into bed.

the difference is: today, i decided that instead of being angry about my bad situation, i decided to go through my news feed on facebook (study break), and compliment everyone i saw that had something exciting happen in their life. i also decided to tell friends that i loved them and how much i appreciated them. and just, give some sort of encouragement for random people on facebook.

after i did this, i found myself laughing and excited for others when they had good news happen in their life, even after something bad happened in mine, and i feel disconnected from the world because on days like today, i feel like i have no friends.

basically what i am stating in my theory is that, when you feel depressed, or disconnected from the world, it's not because the world hates you, or is trying to push you away. it's because sometimes in order to feel loved, or feel happy, you need to put a little effort into the love or happiness.

this goes with the idea that, the amount of love you receive from the world, is equal to the amount of love that you put in. more love=more happiness.

it almost goes hand in hand with Christ. i mean, God is ALWAYS wanting to give us love! but sometimes, in order for us to receive it, we need to come to him.

now don't get me wrong. God's love is not like a vending machine. He is always always always giving love, but in order for US to RECEIVE it (or want to receive it, and feel it) sometimes, we need to work on our relationship with Him, and come to Him, to FEEL it. does that make sense?

however, my whole life i expected love to just come to me, and for me to be happy from that.

NO! wrong! ugh!

however, i am so happy to new discover this. and i want to be happier, when i hear that YOU experienced more happiness from doing this!!

go try it! when you feel weird, or like you don't have friends, or like you aren't happy about a current situation, reach out to others! go LOOKING for people to talk about happiness in their life, and get excited about their successes! OR! just compliment someone. throwing out compliments and encouragement makes you feel like, a thousand times better.

if it doesn't work, come to me and we will get you a counselor and figure out what the deeper issue is going on with you. :)

SERIOUSLY! GO TRY IT! :) :)

overwhelmed.

today, my heart was completely overwhelmed with love. i don't even know how to start speaking about it...but you want truth?

for everything that leaves your life, something beautiful enters.

and before now, i always thought it was something "better" that comes in when you lose something, but sometimes the things that enter, if you were to compare the two, they are like apples and oranges.

this summer i have had some really beautiful apples, and i didn't even take note of them until now.

but that's the interesting thing about life. beautiful things are happening all around you, but you will never notice them until you look over the hill you're facing and decide for yourself to notice that the leaves are not green anymore. they are red, and yellow, and orange. and each leaf has a story about how it changed.

lightbulb.

when i want to run away, and hide
from the shameful things i've found inside,
i just can't seem to get, a break from myself.

i've got nothing left to give
in the space of emptiness, my heart finds comfort in bitterness.
love was my only intention, and i even failed at that.

now i've come to know,
second chances reach further in the hearts, of those who know,
who know they don't deserve it.

my Love, my king, i now know what you mean,
when you said to forgive them,
they know not what they do.

so hear my plea,
and understand me,
as i repeat the words back to you.

love is bigger than, the giants that i face.

god grant me the heart to love others
in the midst of adversity, for they know not what they do.
use me through my pain,
so i can honor you.

love is bigger than, the giants that i face.

study break.

want me to be real transparent?

this summer, i have felt as if i've made decisions that in turn made my life irreparable. like, as if i made so many bad decisions that i couldn't turn around, even if i wanted to. to finally stop being a train wreck. to finally move forward with things, and not just be simply...living in what seems like a pile of slop. 

tonight, a simple song made my heart feel something i havent felt in a while.

"come away" -jesus culture.

Come away with me, Come away with me

It's never too late, it's not too late

It's not too late for you

I have a plan for you

I have a plan for you

It's gonna be wild

It's gonna be great

It's gonna be full of me

....yes. 

so what? im a train wreck. so what? it's hard for me to move on. so what? i live in the past. this is me. transparent. 

however, even with all that, jesus looks at me, sitting in my filth and says, "hey, i want you. this is what i have. follow me."

love?

this week has been a super interesting week. i've been asking a lot of questions, concentrating on a lot of ideas, and trying to correlate past events with present feelings.

this past year, i fell in love. and i fell in love hard. i have never loved someone so deeply and passionately as i did this past year. i remember when i first started hanging out with him, the moment i dropped him off at his house after hanging out with him for one of the first times, i went home and couldn't WAIT until he texted me. i remember looking at my phone, spending countless hours reliving the few days i had with him, and just being so excited to see his car drive up in my driveway. haha, i remember even towards the end of our relationship, getting ready in my bathroom and continually looking out my window while getting ready just to see him walking towards my door. :)

we spent almost every day together. if we didn't see each other one day, we were either texting or talking on the phone. we hardly went a day without speaking. i remember craving to be near him, even when he was at work, and hoping he would text me. and then seeing him call me and i would get butterflies just for his name popping up on my phone.

that feeling never died down the entire time we dated. not once.

i realized that, love is wanting to be closer to the person even when you are standing in the same room with them. wanting to talk to them, or be near them, even if they are annoying the hell out of you. it doesnt matter if they smell like B.O. or have hair all over their back. it just wanting to be near them no matter if you talk, or are just sitting there reading the paper. as long as you are together. love is wanting to spend every day with that person and wanting to know what they are doing. wanting them to want to know what you are doing. wanting to share life beside them. to share exciting things with them. to hold them, to care for them. even when they dont deserve it. you still do it because you can't help it.

i realized through this relationship that i am not in love with God.

now, i know thats a super scary sentence to read. it's weird to take it in. and to read it especially after reading all my blogs about how wonderful he is to me, and how appreciative i am of him in my life. but through another relationship/friendship i was involved with this summer, just because you appreciate and are grateful for someone in your life, that doesnt mean you are in love with them. you can love what they do, how they make you feel, and the things they do for you, but that does not mean you love them. you can love them, but not be in love with them.

i love God. and i appreciate, and am grateful for him in my life, but i am not in love with him.

you can not force yourself to be in love with him, just the way you can not force yourself to be in love with someone. the relationship may make sense on paper, but that does not mean its the right thing.

i think there comes a time in everyone's life where God shows them his love. he does countless things for us each day, and its so easy to just, thank him, and keep going about your day. i remember when my ex would do something small for me, and just in that moment, it made my entire day. i couldnt stop thinking about how he helped me with my taxes, or helped make me dinner as i did my homework. it made me love him even more.

with God, when he does something for me, i say, "oh thank you so much!!!!" and keep going forward. it doesnt make me fall more in love with him.

im not saying i have all the answers. shoot. im just saying im realizing that something i thought was true, actually has not hit my heart yet.

i am hopeful that one day, i will be able to want to spend time with God the way i wanted to spend time with my ex. i will crave to hear from him each morning as he tells me he loves me, and will look at him with goo goo eyes as he shows me all the flowers he opened up, just for me, that morning.

it will happen. but just like it happened with my ex, it wont happen by me forcing it.

i think God craves us to just live. day by day. and he will take care of the rest. if we allow him to do things in his timing, i believe he will give us the desire of our heart: to fall madly, deeply, uncontrollably, irrevocably, recklessly in love with him.

healing.

today, 

i sat on my bay window in the living room. i broke out my guitar, and started playing for the first time in a really long time. i mean, i've whipped it out every now and tried to play a few chords, but it never really works the way i want it to. so i end up stopping pretty quick.

today, i really played it. i started singing "Come Away With Me" by Jesus Culture. 

i imagined the Lord sitting on my couch watching me, and smiling. the sweetest smile i could ever imagine. i heard the words, "this is what you were meant to do. to worship me. to sing to me. i love you, beautiful." 

beautiful is His name for me. 

my soul is healing. my heart is mending. my life is beginning to come together. 

but, 

this is only the beginning. 

damaged goods.

I haven't posted on this in a while. I've been very busy with other things. But I thought I would try to keep up before sumner begins. 

Something very traumatic happened to me last week. I will never name names or call people out on my blog, but I was told recently by someone that means a lot to me that I was considered to be "damaged goods." It has been my biggest fear in life to hear those EXACT words, because that is how i have always viewed myself. And ive worked so hard on my own to try to not have people see how broken and damaged i really am. Who would want a damaged bride on their wedding night? This friend was speaking out of hurt so I forgive them, but still, anyone who hears those words, especially a woman, those tend to unfortunately stick with your mind for the rest of your life. You don't know the kind of turmoil my heart has been in just from hearing 2 small words. It has begun to wreck me. 

Today I was driving home from Charlotte for my friends wedding, and the phrase, "damaged goods....damaged goods...." Kept repeating for the following 3 hour car ride. Fortunately I serve a God who is not only my king, but my daddy. My daddy who hurts when I hurt, and when arrows are thrown at me, arrows are thrown at Him. He stopped those words before they tattooed themselves on my heart and said, "the only person who would be able to call you that is me. But I have not and will not because you ARE NOT. I call things as though they are, and you are whole. You are perfect. You are beauty. And you are Mine." 

Of course tears ran down my face as I tried to hear those words and believe them. It's so much easier to believe terrible things about yourself. Especially when you know you've done something wrong and made a huge mistake. 

But. 

His grace is sufficient above ALL things. Even my dumb mistakes. And my smart ones too. His blood is enough. His grace is enough. More than enough. 

DON'T EVER let ANYONE tell you that you are damaged goods. I don't care WHAT you have done, you are beautiful and perfect and made whole through Jesus Christ. Go to Him for your truth. For HIS words about you. Because at the judgement seat, you will not be sitting in front of your friend or boyfriend, but in front of your Creator. His words about you are all that matter. 

whoops.

haven't written in a super long time. sorry.

i have been struggling with something. not really financially (which i kind of am), or with friends, or relationships or whatnot, but with something that i am not sure if i am going to be able to describe.

i don't know how to balance.

i need to learn the trick of balancing my christian walk with my regular day life. or let's go even further and saying, living out my christian walk, just by walking. does that make sense? i have noticed in the past year that when i get super into God, for example not being able to talk about anything else, or just reading books or reading the bible or almost seculding myself from the world just to spend more time with Him, I almost lose sight of Him and become depressed. it is an odd feeling. but when i am walking my life and barely read books or the bible, and just talk with Him once or twice a day and move on my merry way, i feel like im not being a "good christian" by not "spending time with Him" or challenging myself in a deeper level.

does anyone else go through this? or is going through this? what is wisdom that i can take from someone else concerning this?

his voice.

i finally heard God's voice. just now. for the first time in (what feels like) such a long time.

He literally just spoke this to me.

(paraphrased.) "Annie, you are going to need to get to know me through a relationship. People are telling you to do this, to do that. Right now, I do not care about those things. I will handle them in time. But for right now, get to know me. Get to know who I am, and what I am all about. This will happen with a relationship with me. Not because you did something right or wrong. Or because you made a good or bad decision. Right now, I want you to know me."

:) okay. Lord, lover of my soul, i'll do it.

bipolar? nope. just a christian.

some days are much harder to believe truth than other days.

like, i KNOW the Lord has a husband for me. i KNOW it. but some days i have a feeling i am going to become Mother Teresa. (not saying i don't want to be, but that's not my path. haha)

i KNOW i am beautiful. but some days i look in the mirror and think, "dang. this is as good as it's gunna get."

i KNOW i have a friends, but some days when no one contacts me, i feel as if no one is around me.

the enemy is trying so hard to attack me right now. haha, sometimes i think that if i were not a christian that is dealing with constant spiritual warfare, i would think i was bipolar. haha

but i got this. :) no doubt. HE's got this. im confident.

"i know whom i have believed and am persuaded that He is able to keep that which i have entrusted to Him until that day."

a couple things.

a couple things were on my heart tonight.

first, if you are in Christ, you are always overqualified for everything. if you don't get a job, it's because HE didn't want you to have it. because if He did, He said He always goes before us. He never tells you no, unless there is a resurrection on the other side.

second, the other day i asked God for a free meal at lunch time. (dumb right? but He said, ask WHATEVER in my name, and it shall be given to you.) so i decided to remind Him of His promise. :)

I went to lunch and, I didn't get a free meal so I was like, whatever. I know He heard me. Haha. So I went home and later at dinner I said, hmm. What should I eat? And I found my chick fil a calendar on the ground. And this year you have to register a card online or something. Well, I registered it and said I'll go get a free meal! Thanks God! Haha. Well, in line The Lord gave me a prophetic word for the person behind me. So I got up to the window after writing it on a piece of paper and told the lady at the window that I was paying for their meal behind me and if she would give them a sheet of paper I would greatly appreciate it! So I paid for their meal, and when I went to pay for mine, the lady said, I'm sorry but it is saying your chickfila card is not registered. And I said, I'm so sorry but I for a fact just registered it about 30 minutes ago. And she said, no worries. What we will do is comp your meal tonight and give you it for free but go check online to see if your card is registered. And if it is, you can come back to get another free sandwich.

Hahaha. God works in such funny ways. I adore Him. There is never a dull moment with Him if you take Him on adventures. He loves that so much!

bring Jesus to work day.

= everyday.

IT IS TRULY AMAZING ME what is happening in my life when I wake up early with the Lord.

this morning i woke up and danced before Him with worship music blasting in my room. i got dressed (had more than enough time to get ready) and walked on into work 5 minutes early :) i went to the back and said, "let's do this Jesus. let's rock this day, hard."

i then had one of the best days ever.

i saw so many friends come through and had great conversations with customers. a regular customer handed their cup to me so i could refill it (a customer i thought had no idea who i was) and he said, "wow. you seriously always look so happy when i come into the store. you always look so happy to see me." with which i replied, "OF COURSE! if it were not for you guys, i wouldn't have a job! so thank you!" hahah.

my boss then told me later on, "annie, i wish i had 30 of you." to which i replied, "don't you DARE wish that!" haha. oh my gosh. even I would not be able to stand 30 Annie McGees. haha. that would be way too much.

Jesus and i rocked it today.

so i came home and got my room ready for my sister to come visit me this weekend, got a shower!!!, got dinner made and still have time to read my book!

He honestly gives you all the time back for the time you gave to Him.

CHALLENGE OF THE WEEK: spend at least ONE morning with Jesus and write a message to me telling me how it was! but don't tell me after you worship with Him, tell me at the end of your day. see how your day gets exponentially better! :) i'm excited to hear all your stories!!

2 blogs in one day? i know i know....

hey readers,

so. need some prayer. i have been looking into this ministry school with Heidi Baker in Mozambique. it's during the summer from june 1-august 6.

it is also every summer, so next summer is a possibility.

i have a prayer request. could you pray with me and pray for the Lord's timing on this? i need to know if i should go this summer, or next summer.

:) thanks guys!!!

mornings.

so. apparently if i don't spend time with Jesus in the morning, then my entire day is completely out of wack.

for the last few days, i have at least woken up an hour before i needed to start getting ready for work, and just turned on worship music while talking, singing, and laughing with Him. then i would pray in my car before work, and ask Him to allow me to have an awesome day.

well, on those days, i leave work feeling as if i am just the luckiest person in the world.

on days like today, i feel like complete crap.

i completely pushed snooze on my alarm this morning and slept until i had to be at work in 20 minutes. i got to work tired, cranky and ready to leave. i even had a coworker ask me if everything was okay because i did not seem like myself.

it made me think.

myself=Jesus with me. like, i am most myself when Jesus is hanging around beside me. and yeah, i know He said He would never leave us nor forsake us, but, if we fail to invite Him into our activities for the day He is sitting there with you rather than being actively involved in your day.

does that make sense? He is always there, but it's US who have to invite Him to be a part of our day.

now, i am not saying that if it is 3:30 it is impossible for Him to get into our day, but think about it. you just spent at least 6 hours "doing things on your own" and probably felt pretty rushed or tired. it's totally possible for Him to come into the rest of your day, but for the next day, don't wait around until 3 or 4 to ask Him to spend your day with you. ask Him at 6 am! ask Him before your situations become problems, or the flow of the day happens. because believe it or not folks, a lot can happen in 24 hours if we have Him. it's almost as if He gives us 48 hours in a day, just to accomplish the things we need to. :)