lightbulb.

when i want to run away, and hide
from the shameful things i've found inside,
i just can't seem to get, a break from myself.

i've got nothing left to give
in the space of emptiness, my heart finds comfort in bitterness.
love was my only intention, and i even failed at that.

now i've come to know,
second chances reach further in the hearts, of those who know,
who know they don't deserve it.

my Love, my king, i now know what you mean,
when you said to forgive them,
they know not what they do.

so hear my plea,
and understand me,
as i repeat the words back to you.

love is bigger than, the giants that i face.

god grant me the heart to love others
in the midst of adversity, for they know not what they do.
use me through my pain,
so i can honor you.

love is bigger than, the giants that i face.

study break.

want me to be real transparent?

this summer, i have felt as if i've made decisions that in turn made my life irreparable. like, as if i made so many bad decisions that i couldn't turn around, even if i wanted to. to finally stop being a train wreck. to finally move forward with things, and not just be simply...living in what seems like a pile of slop. 

tonight, a simple song made my heart feel something i havent felt in a while.

"come away" -jesus culture.

Come away with me, Come away with me

It's never too late, it's not too late

It's not too late for you

I have a plan for you

I have a plan for you

It's gonna be wild

It's gonna be great

It's gonna be full of me

....yes. 

so what? im a train wreck. so what? it's hard for me to move on. so what? i live in the past. this is me. transparent. 

however, even with all that, jesus looks at me, sitting in my filth and says, "hey, i want you. this is what i have. follow me."

love?

this week has been a super interesting week. i've been asking a lot of questions, concentrating on a lot of ideas, and trying to correlate past events with present feelings.

this past year, i fell in love. and i fell in love hard. i have never loved someone so deeply and passionately as i did this past year. i remember when i first started hanging out with him, the moment i dropped him off at his house after hanging out with him for one of the first times, i went home and couldn't WAIT until he texted me. i remember looking at my phone, spending countless hours reliving the few days i had with him, and just being so excited to see his car drive up in my driveway. haha, i remember even towards the end of our relationship, getting ready in my bathroom and continually looking out my window while getting ready just to see him walking towards my door. :)

we spent almost every day together. if we didn't see each other one day, we were either texting or talking on the phone. we hardly went a day without speaking. i remember craving to be near him, even when he was at work, and hoping he would text me. and then seeing him call me and i would get butterflies just for his name popping up on my phone.

that feeling never died down the entire time we dated. not once.

i realized that, love is wanting to be closer to the person even when you are standing in the same room with them. wanting to talk to them, or be near them, even if they are annoying the hell out of you. it doesnt matter if they smell like B.O. or have hair all over their back. it just wanting to be near them no matter if you talk, or are just sitting there reading the paper. as long as you are together. love is wanting to spend every day with that person and wanting to know what they are doing. wanting them to want to know what you are doing. wanting to share life beside them. to share exciting things with them. to hold them, to care for them. even when they dont deserve it. you still do it because you can't help it.

i realized through this relationship that i am not in love with God.

now, i know thats a super scary sentence to read. it's weird to take it in. and to read it especially after reading all my blogs about how wonderful he is to me, and how appreciative i am of him in my life. but through another relationship/friendship i was involved with this summer, just because you appreciate and are grateful for someone in your life, that doesnt mean you are in love with them. you can love what they do, how they make you feel, and the things they do for you, but that does not mean you love them. you can love them, but not be in love with them.

i love God. and i appreciate, and am grateful for him in my life, but i am not in love with him.

you can not force yourself to be in love with him, just the way you can not force yourself to be in love with someone. the relationship may make sense on paper, but that does not mean its the right thing.

i think there comes a time in everyone's life where God shows them his love. he does countless things for us each day, and its so easy to just, thank him, and keep going about your day. i remember when my ex would do something small for me, and just in that moment, it made my entire day. i couldnt stop thinking about how he helped me with my taxes, or helped make me dinner as i did my homework. it made me love him even more.

with God, when he does something for me, i say, "oh thank you so much!!!!" and keep going forward. it doesnt make me fall more in love with him.

im not saying i have all the answers. shoot. im just saying im realizing that something i thought was true, actually has not hit my heart yet.

i am hopeful that one day, i will be able to want to spend time with God the way i wanted to spend time with my ex. i will crave to hear from him each morning as he tells me he loves me, and will look at him with goo goo eyes as he shows me all the flowers he opened up, just for me, that morning.

it will happen. but just like it happened with my ex, it wont happen by me forcing it.

i think God craves us to just live. day by day. and he will take care of the rest. if we allow him to do things in his timing, i believe he will give us the desire of our heart: to fall madly, deeply, uncontrollably, irrevocably, recklessly in love with him.

healing.

today, 

i sat on my bay window in the living room. i broke out my guitar, and started playing for the first time in a really long time. i mean, i've whipped it out every now and tried to play a few chords, but it never really works the way i want it to. so i end up stopping pretty quick.

today, i really played it. i started singing "Come Away With Me" by Jesus Culture. 

i imagined the Lord sitting on my couch watching me, and smiling. the sweetest smile i could ever imagine. i heard the words, "this is what you were meant to do. to worship me. to sing to me. i love you, beautiful." 

beautiful is His name for me. 

my soul is healing. my heart is mending. my life is beginning to come together. 

but, 

this is only the beginning. 

damaged goods.

I haven't posted on this in a while. I've been very busy with other things. But I thought I would try to keep up before sumner begins. 

Something very traumatic happened to me last week. I will never name names or call people out on my blog, but I was told recently by someone that means a lot to me that I was considered to be "damaged goods." It has been my biggest fear in life to hear those EXACT words, because that is how i have always viewed myself. And ive worked so hard on my own to try to not have people see how broken and damaged i really am. Who would want a damaged bride on their wedding night? This friend was speaking out of hurt so I forgive them, but still, anyone who hears those words, especially a woman, those tend to unfortunately stick with your mind for the rest of your life. You don't know the kind of turmoil my heart has been in just from hearing 2 small words. It has begun to wreck me. 

Today I was driving home from Charlotte for my friends wedding, and the phrase, "damaged goods....damaged goods...." Kept repeating for the following 3 hour car ride. Fortunately I serve a God who is not only my king, but my daddy. My daddy who hurts when I hurt, and when arrows are thrown at me, arrows are thrown at Him. He stopped those words before they tattooed themselves on my heart and said, "the only person who would be able to call you that is me. But I have not and will not because you ARE NOT. I call things as though they are, and you are whole. You are perfect. You are beauty. And you are Mine." 

Of course tears ran down my face as I tried to hear those words and believe them. It's so much easier to believe terrible things about yourself. Especially when you know you've done something wrong and made a huge mistake. 

But. 

His grace is sufficient above ALL things. Even my dumb mistakes. And my smart ones too. His blood is enough. His grace is enough. More than enough. 

DON'T EVER let ANYONE tell you that you are damaged goods. I don't care WHAT you have done, you are beautiful and perfect and made whole through Jesus Christ. Go to Him for your truth. For HIS words about you. Because at the judgement seat, you will not be sitting in front of your friend or boyfriend, but in front of your Creator. His words about you are all that matter. 

whoops.

haven't written in a super long time. sorry.

i have been struggling with something. not really financially (which i kind of am), or with friends, or relationships or whatnot, but with something that i am not sure if i am going to be able to describe.

i don't know how to balance.

i need to learn the trick of balancing my christian walk with my regular day life. or let's go even further and saying, living out my christian walk, just by walking. does that make sense? i have noticed in the past year that when i get super into God, for example not being able to talk about anything else, or just reading books or reading the bible or almost seculding myself from the world just to spend more time with Him, I almost lose sight of Him and become depressed. it is an odd feeling. but when i am walking my life and barely read books or the bible, and just talk with Him once or twice a day and move on my merry way, i feel like im not being a "good christian" by not "spending time with Him" or challenging myself in a deeper level.

does anyone else go through this? or is going through this? what is wisdom that i can take from someone else concerning this?

his voice.

i finally heard God's voice. just now. for the first time in (what feels like) such a long time.

He literally just spoke this to me.

(paraphrased.) "Annie, you are going to need to get to know me through a relationship. People are telling you to do this, to do that. Right now, I do not care about those things. I will handle them in time. But for right now, get to know me. Get to know who I am, and what I am all about. This will happen with a relationship with me. Not because you did something right or wrong. Or because you made a good or bad decision. Right now, I want you to know me."

:) okay. Lord, lover of my soul, i'll do it.